To the only boy who ever loved me, all I can say is: I’m sorry

I’m sorry that I didn’t know your name until a year after I met you

I’m sorry that I moved seats when you sat next to me in English

I’m sorry that I stepped on your foot in the hallway when you grabbed my hand and pulled me in

I’m sorry that I pulled away

I’m sorry that I always felt slightly embarrassed when you talked to me in front of my friends

I’m sorry that you wanted to read my angsty pre-teen poetry, but you were the only one that would

I’m sorry that I didn’t go to a single one of our football games, even though you asked every week

I’m sorry that I thought it was weird when you asked me to wear your jersey instead

And I’m sorry that I never did

I’m sorry that I asked you for help with the boys that I liked

I’m sorry that those boys made fun of you for crying in history

I’m sorry that I didn’t realize what those tears meant

I’m sorry that you had to suffer through the wet patch that my tears left on your shoulder

I’m sorry that when you said, “I love you” I said, “Like a friend, right?”

I’m sorry that those boys laughed when you said “No”

I’m sorry that I didn’t see the love that exuded from our hugs and kisses planted on cheeks and hands held in hallways

I’m sorry that I changed my number when I moved

I’m sorry that the last words I said to you were “Yeah, but like a brother” and not “I love you, too”

I’m sorry that I never thanked you for those long conversations about what my life meant

Because those conversations saved my life

And I’m sorry that I wasn’t there on January 26, 2016 when you took yours

I’m sorry that I didn’t know that we were both trying to just survive the days

I’m sorry that I wasn’t there with a wet shoulder when you needed me

I’m sorry that I never told you all that your life meant

Because maybe that could’ve saved your life

And I’m sorry that I don’t know what comes after death, even though we talked about it so many times

I’d like to believe that you are in Heaven but if suicide is a sin, I’d rather believe that there is no such thing as life after death because you truly deserve the peace that you were always trying to bring to the world; The peace that we were going to bring when we joined the Peace Corps together, remember?

To the only boy who ever loved me, there is so much I wish I would’ve said

Words like

Thank you

I love you

I miss you

To the only boy who ever loved me, there is so much I need you to know

I need you to know that I’ve learned from my mistakes

I need you to know that I’ve learned from you

I’ve learned to listen, just like you did

I’ve learned to love deeply and recklessly, just like you did

To the only boy who ever loved me, I wish you could see how much you’ve done

How many people you’ve reached

I started a club in your name, in your memory

A club for kids like you

Because I wasn’t there for you

I wasn’t aware of you

To the only boy who ever loved me, I don’t know where you are, and I don’t know if you can hear me, but if you can, hear this:

I love you and I am so, so sorry that I didn’t save you