The Not-So-Good Times: Never Forgiving, Never Forgetting, Recovery, & Reflection

My life (emotionally) ain't been no crystal stair*
If you don't like what I gotta say I don't care
I've cared for far too long and I'm done
This is too much to keep in and these emotions weigh a ton
 
For those of you who THOUGHT you knew something about my life, think again
Those who decided to judge me based on actions I've done, sit down and listen
 
I'm not saying I'm the hero
But I'm damn sure not the villain
But to those who ASSUMED I was the bad guy, you've got another thing coming
 
My parents had me fresh in college
Daddy left Mommy to raise me all on her own
And because he was still a dude in a Dad's clothes
The government tried to make him man up
and make him reap what he had sown
 
I grew up a little demon
But soon bloomed into a people-shy young flower
One small outburst in the heat of the moment
And every 12-year-old little soul
Wanted to judge me in that hour
 
They all thought my beloved mother was a cool, young mom who spoiled her child
Well they had absolutely no idea how mean she could be and was
While her no-nonsense attitude was mild and well-meaning
The way she'd go about methods of discipline were quite demeaning
 
They've no clue of the bruises I sometimes had to hide
The sadness I carried and hid well at the cost of pride
Because if anyone's good at emotionally hiding, it's me
Burying all those dark and true feelings at the bottom of my Dark Sea
 
Unfortunately now that I'm older
I've grown quite the sharp and bitter tongue
But because I hide it beneath a witty, sarcastic sense of humor
No one will ever be able to tell...unless I tell
 
Of the sour frown that sometimes lurks beneath a sweet smile
Or of the brownish-red eyes of anger that hide behind light-brown orbs
And everyday I look at me no one sees what I see:
 
Beneath the 18-year-old shell
Lies the subconscious of her 12-year-old self
Who sometimes questioned her existence
Who wondered what she truly did to earn her mother's malevolence
 
But no matter
I won't BS myself
I know what I deserved
And more should've been less
 
I don't want anyone's pity
I have no need of it
But the faith and encouragement I've received since then
Beyond makes up for it
 
I could've become colder
To the point of being heartless
But thanks to those who actually cared more than they judged (you know who you are)
I am unbroken
 
Although I will never forget 
Being judged and ignored,
criticized and scorned
I had to remember that humans always judge what they see
They thought they saw it all 
But in the end, they saw nothing
 
*Allusion to "Mother to Son" poem by Langston Hughes
 
 
 
 
 
 

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