I'm going to start this out like I start everything else I write you
Even though I doubt that you'd ever see this
I swear to God that I'm not mad at all
There is no hate in my heart toward you or anyone
Except for maybe a little toward myself but that's different
And I have to say all of that first because I have some anxiety
Kind of like you do, but not like that
We were virtually flawless, or so I thought
Because I had you and you had me, no doubt
And I held onto you for six months straight
You were all I ever wanted in life and beyond
You were a smile I could wake up to every single morning
You were a voice I longed to hear tell me "goodnight"
You were the kindness I wanted to bathe in
You were the arms I wanted to be wrapped in until we were in our graves
You were the body I wanted to lay next to when we got there
And I know it's a morbid thought, but not like that
In you, I saw a father for my children
We went to that family Halloween party at your Nana's
I saw how you took care of your little cousin when she got fussy
You showed her the leaves on the trees outside and how pretty they were
She calmed right down and leaned onto your shoulder
Just before she finally fell asleep in your arms
And I watched you smile at her, then your dad
Then you smiled at me, but not like that
Then you drove all the way to see me
On that sparkling New Years Eve in cold, isolated, central Ohio
I cried in your arms, I was so damn happy to see you there
You met the rest of my family, and even my choir director from high school
I was so proud I got to show them why I was so happy
Why for once everything I'd been through made sense to me
When I finally realized what all the pain and hurt had been for
And I was ready to just be with you, but not like that
And I told you my deepest and darkest secret
Because I trusted you and knew you would understand
And you told me you did and I let out a sigh of relief between the tears
But then you came back to me after the sparkles had faded
And I noticed your smile faded too as you told me the truth
That you didn't, shouldn't, couldn't ever believe me
And that was alright with me I guess, but not like that
When January became February, I could see the light leaving your eyes
I consulted friends and they told me everything was going to be fine
I consulted blind idols and deaf oracles and begged me to be wary
And yet, seeing your pain, I never once backed away
Then one night there was a silence at the table where there should have been laughing
You invited me to the stairwell and I knew what was coming
I'd spent so much time falling that I forgot about the final impact
You said you'd been lying to yourself but you still cared about me
You told me "I love you, but not like that."
I am haunted by the thought of you inside my mind
Albums of songs that I can't listen to anymore because I listened to the with you
You are up there, where you belong and among friends
Because you're okay, you're fine, you can be happy
But I'm down here, alone, wasted and begging for another drink
I'm not okay but I don't want to get help anymore
Because it was you who convinced me I was worth it
But apparently I'm not worth enough for you to stay
But I don't want you lying to yourself and not being who you are
I told you once, I'll tell you a thousand times more:
I would tear myself into pieces to see you whole
Every night when I fold my hands, bow my head, and close my eyes to pray
I am plagued by the scene of a loud, dimly lit bar, the smell of beer rising through the air
And there you sit, a smile on your face, living your dream with an arm around me
That pastel pink t-shirt, your dark curls, the pea coat hanging off the back of your chair
And I asked what had gotten into you because I hadn't seen you smile like this in ages
No, I had never seen you so happy and energetic as this night in a downtown bar
And you leaned over and kissed me on the cheek before pressing your forehead to mine
Over the noise you said "I feel like I'm falling in love with you all over again."
So where was that only one month later in that damned stairwell?
Where was "I'm falling in love" when I wanted to "accidentally" fall down the stairs?
Where was "You mean the world to me" when my world was falling apart?
Where was "I want to spend my life with you" when my life was being destroyed?
Where was "I'll be careful with your heart" when you were crushing it in your hands?
Where was "I want to hold your hand" when all you wanted was to let mine go?
Where was "You're my everything" when you figured out I wasn't enough?
Where was "I'll stay with you forever" when you decided you wanted to leave?
Oh, I remember. It was all wrapped up in that phrase:
"I love you, but not like that."