No Contact

Dear Mother, who is dear to me no longer,

 

 

I'm sorry. From the bottom of my heart I am sorry, truly sorry. I love you, in the way that two people who have known each other for a long time love each other, in the way that a therapist loves their client. That's what I am to you, that is what I have always been since my brother was born and dad was away on business. I have been holding you, holding the family together like glue since I was three. I love you like glue loves paper, but I am not glue but a person, made of skin and bone and blood and with anger and disappointment in my eyes. No one will boil me down to glue any longer, not even you. 

 

I know I am not your daughter. You have one child, and it is your son, your sunlight, the center of your world. Your perfect, sickly, incapable son. Did you know that you've made him like this? dad and I have been telling you. He was born a little sickly and a little awkward, but the rest comes from the tarred hands, your hands, that hold him to you. He cannot make friends, make decisions, or make his own way. I am watching him drown in his self loathing created from his failings, in this black pit you continuously push him into. I could be your daughter if I was a mini you, if I pushed him down too. 

 

I am glad I am not your daughter. 

 

I've mentioned my problems and feelings to you and dad. You cry. dad accuses me of tearing the family apart. But I have given up by this point, our family be damned. This is not me saying I am merely walking away. I am damning this family. For so very long I have been the glue. My blood has been a congealer, sticking us together and keeping us from moving apart. My bones have been a sponge, lapping up your unhappiness, your rants, your toxicity. My skin has been a blanket, shielding onlookers from what we call family dynamics. I am damning this family by taking these things away. I am sorry for leaving you, but I am not, and could never be, sorry for making myself whole again. 

 

My brother may be the center of your world, but you want to be the center of everyone else's. The sun must revolve around you. dad is so passive that his main personality trait is "does and goes along with whatever mom wants." You've made my brother into your own personal project that you will never complete or let go of, because you wouldn't know what to do with yourself without him. You want me to be a reflection of you, a reflection that's only purpose is to tell you, verbally and nonverbally, what a wonderful person you are. And no matter what I do or say, no matter how much counseling we get, you will never see me as my own person. 

 

This is a goodbye letter, if that wasn't clear. I wouldn't be stirring the pot this much if I wasn't getting the hell out of dodge. I can't be a part of this family any longer. I can't be what you want me to be, a mirror image of you. God, I hope I never become anything like you. 

 

You won't be hearing anything from me again. This family has been such a drain on my mental health. At school I am better, but as soon as I come home I relapse. Understand that I wouldn't be doing this if I felt like this would ever get better. But I don't think that it will. Even if we are family by blood, I don't want a life with you in it. I can't stay on this sunken ship, drowning, and continue to pretend we are still afloat. I don't need to list your transgressions before I go, they are numerous enough and some border on emotional abuse/neglect. I'm leaving and that's all there is to it. 

 

Hopefully you can manage without me. 

 

 

Jessica

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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