The pain was never ending.  It was like a knife was being dragged from the tip of my finger to the crook of my elbow.  I picture the blood dripping down my arms washing away the pain in a sea of red.  But the pain is not as simple as being cut.  A cut will heal.  My pain is never ending, left inside me to fester.  
I have never been one to talk about my emotions.  I keep them locked away, vaulted inside my mind, never given a second thought.  Oh, I have cried and screamed thousands of times.  I have gotten into more arguments with my parents then I can count.  But the big things, the important life changing experiences I have kept buried down deep.  I never did cry at my grandma’s funeral.  What was the point?  She was already dead, right?  No matter how many tears I shed, she is never coming back.
Now years later I look back and realize that the crying wasn’t suppose to help her but help me!

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me....

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now, I see.

My dress is itchy. My shoes are too small. My stomach hurts. But known of these things matter because you are gone. You left me five days ago. Daddy, said it was a painless death. He said you are in a better place now; happy, instead of sick. I don't believe him.  You belong with me. I was just beginning to get now you and now you are gone. I think back to when I was little and you used to come visit  me.  I would pretend to hide from you. But you always would find me hidden in my closet or under a bed. We used to laugh about it afterward. Your laugh sounded like a musical bell ringing. But, the bells I hear now is not the sound of your laugh instead the music of bells in the church.
T'was Grace that taught...
my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear...
the hour I first believed.

Daddy, Mommy and Nikki are crying but I refused to let the tears fall. I miss you Grandma. I never got a chance to say goodbye. I feel trapped between Daddy and Nikki. Both of them are crying as first the priest and then Grandpa talks about how wonderful you are.  The priest says you are heaven and moved one. Well if you had moved on, I definitely have not. It is not fair that you move one. What will happen when puppy needs another suit? Who will sew it for him? Who will bake me cookies and brush my hair?
Through many dangers, toils and snares...

we have already come.

T'was Grace that brought us safe thus far...

and Grace will lead us home.

Grandpa is talking now. His words are full of love and hurt. As he talks about all the good times the two of you use to have.  A memory seemly out of nowhere pops into my head. I must be around four or five and we are at the lake house. It is a warm July night a soft wind rustled the trees but other than that the night was quiet. You were sitting on the old red table, reading a book. I was sitting on the dock with tears rolling down my face. Daddy had told me I was too young to go water skiing and could not come with him and Nikki. As I sit feeling miserable, you come up behind me. Taking a sit next me you put your warm hands on me. You don't say anything but instead you point a finger, looking up I see a lone star. Since it was still early in the evening there was not many stars out. Finally, you tell me that the star is special because the star is ours, no one else's. It was a special star that could not be shared. Confused I looked at the star. To me it looked normal. It was a pale white color that shone brightly like a dying light bulb. But other then that there was nothing special to it. It was not overly bright or a unique shape. But, you just chuckled you're melodic laugh and told me that it didn't matter that the star wasn't special what mattered was that our love was special and nothing could break the bond of our love. As long as the star shone steadily, then our love would survive.
When we've been here ten thousand years...

bright shining as the sun.

We've no less days to sing God's praise...

then when we've first begun.

The scuffing of shoes and the rustles of clothes broke my trip down memory lane. The priest is talking about giving our last goodbye. But how can I say goodbye? How can I do anything now that you are gone? I don't understand death and certainly sitting in this stuffy overcrowded church was not the place where I wanted to say goodbye. So I sat. Other people slowly made their way up to the coffin, but I didn't want too. I couldn't stare at you shrunken body destroyed from the cancer. I didn't want to see how shrunken your cheeks were. I didn't want to see you looking small, looking almost doll-like as a small child would look but minus the hair. Your skin I knew would be an horrid yellow color looking like throw up. No, that was not how I wanted to remember you. The image I wanted was to keep was of a strong woman with short light brown hair, and a heart of gold. Someone once told me that when one dies only their body is gone but their souls remain alive. If this is true then where are you; why don't I feel your presence?
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,

That saved a wretch like me....

I once was lost but now am found,

Was blind, but now, I see.

It is raining out. The ran feels cold on my skin like the touch of death. The rain reminds me of the tears that I have yet to let out. I told myself I would be strong. I wouldn't cry. I had to protect Daddy, Mommy, Grandpa and Nikki. I know it makes them sad when I cry. We are burying you now. The priest has blessed you coffin. People throw thousands of flowers around your burial place making the ground look like a rainbow. I pinch myself to check that this was actually happening. Suddenly with a rush that feels like a punch I realize that this is it. This will be the last time I ever see you. You'll never tell me I am the best or sing me asleep. I let out a moan but that is carried away by the wind. Later that night when I looked out the window for the first time in my life I truly hated my life.

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I never got the chance to say goodbye to you. I never cried at your funeral. I go through life trying to forget the pain I feel my your death.
Yes a cut can heal.  The blood will go away.  The cut will scab and slowly fade away into nothingness.  Only a small scar will be left behind.  The pain I feel will never heal.  I will never feel better.  Because the dead do not come back to life.