Myself Again
Hopeless
Hopeless is how I felt.
In counseling with tears streaming down my face and no regard,
For my makeup smearing revealing I had lost any sense of grace.
Vulnerable
Vulnerable is how I felt.
I felt like I had lost myself,
My insecurity was on a shelf,
And everyone could see it.
My Mother
My Father
My Sisters
My Brother
Guilty
Guilty is how I felt.
The “How are you today”?
The “Are you ok”?
The fear I saw in my mother eyes,
As she knew I could barely survive,
And all the money she spent,
The ways she had bent,
She never realized how much it meant.
My Therapist
My Teachers
My Friends
My Partner
Useless
God the uselessness I felt,
I couldn't stop crying,
I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat,
I felt like I was already dying,
and I did-
each time I thought about my past
and the secrets that couldn't last.
I was gone for weeks on end
End
I wanted it to end.
I was sick of the uncertainty,
The doubt and the dread,
Wishing that was dead,
The vicious mockery occurring inside my head.
Hope
I felt hope- for once.
I'm not sure how or when.
But it happened,
So instead,
I screamed,
I cried,
I laughed,
Then sighed, when I realized that there was time
To feel better, to be better again.
My Dog
My Writing
My Art
My Friends
Myself
Happy
I feel happy
It took 6 months of vulnerability,
4 months of dread,
2 months of guilt ,
And one day of hope.
But I’m happy.
I’m myself again.