First off, I will start off by saying I’m sorry

I don’t know if I actually am 

My brain says I ought to be but my heart disagrees

 

But I am convinced that if I don’t say these two syllables at least once, twice, forever

It will be the haunting soundtrack that plays every single night

Nights where I don’t miss you

Nights where I don’t kiss you 

Goodnight, but rather bad night because there hasn’t been a good night in a very long time, hasn’t there

 

Should I apologize for that as well?

Should I apologize for the vacations that I forget, the holidays where I wish I was somewhere, (anywhere), else, but most of all for the memories that are not welcome in my heart?

The heart that is not a vacant motel with rooms housing pieces of you

I am not a piece of you

Genetics may say otherwise but look into my eyes and you will see an unfamiliar darkness 

Darkness is not an optical illusion

Do not make me into your optical illusion for this, these words, are pure honesty, a pure clean white that is not to be confused with who I am 

Because I am not clean, untainted

But rather uncertain as to what color remains after splashes of blue tears, slashes of red cuts, and an overwhelming black is added

That’s it, I’m a black hole

A black hole in a mirror that does not reflect you because black is black and nothing else

 

Black is your daughter

Black is your daughter’s heart drowning with sadness

But you cannot and will not be the life preserver that pulls her up out of the bitter thrashing ocean

For the ocean is her blanket 

 

How ironic

Weren't were supposed to be the ones to wrap a blanket around me?

Cocoon me with your comfort?

But no matter how hard you try to change it, to change me

I will always remain a forgettable ugly caterpillar stuck on the earth yearning to fly 

Never reaching its potential of transcending into a butterfly,

An epitome of grace and all the magnificence there could possibly be in this world

But the world is only as magnificent as we delude ourselves to believing it is

 

And so I am urging you now with every ounce of my soul

Do not believe in me because I sure as hell don’t

And I truly am sorry for not being your butterfly

Oops, there I go again

Another half-sorry, another half-truth

My world is a half-truth

 

But half-empty or half-full?

All I can tell you is that it is a half

Incomplete, insufficient, inadequate

But when will it ever be adequate?

Family is forever isn’t it?

Forever is a hell of a long time