Dear, Dad

Ever since I was a little girl I remember the smell of you, your tight hugs, and the love you always had for me. Growing up that is all I had in mind, I always wanted to remember why you left  I blamed myself, I blamed myself because of why you left, I blamed myself for the reason to why you had hit my mom. I even blamed myself for the reason to why you became a coward and left us alone. I don't hate you, I actually still love you no matter what. You left us when  I was 4 years old and I didn't get to see you until I was 10 and I had to beg my mom for that. I am 17 now and I still miss you. I still remember the day I went to go visit you, I was so anxious and worried that you might not remember me or that you would not want to even see me. All I remember is that you were on the floor, passed out drunk with bottles scattered on the room it smelled like old food and sweat. I was upset but yet I still loved you. I still thought you were this hero, that you were an amazing dad who yet you never watched me grow up. I remember you took me out to eat at an old restaurant where all you can see was men and women half-clothed. When we left the restaurant you didn't even notice that I never got the chance to order food because you were to busy on the bar side and I was alone in a dining table. As we were going to your apartment we stumbled upon some men, some men who apparently knew you, two of them had a bat, you told me to run and I did but I stopped and hid behind a dumpster. I turned and peeked through a small crack and seen as you were on the floor while those men hurt you. All I did was cry and cry until I was tired of it and I came out and told them to leave. One laughed but they soon left when they seen me trying to wake you up. My 10 year old self was carrying you while you were drunk an ill from the scars they left you, but little do you know I had some as well not physical but mental. I don't blame you for the things you do or for not watching over me when I was young, I blame you for what you missed out on. You missed out on my birthdays, you missed out on the first days of school, you missed out on fathers day when all the kids had their dad's there with them I was the only one sitting alone in the corner eating by myself , you embarrassed me for that ,and yet I still love you. You missed out of the nights I stayed up crying missing you. You missed out on the days I got in fights at school because the other girls would make fun of me for not having my dad. You missed out on the two times I got jumped by other girls because I was a loser, I went home and locked myself in my room so nobody would see me and as I wished nobody did. And yet I wish they would have, I was desperate for someone to show me love and attention, and yet I still loved you. Im not depressed I am actually really happy, I am someone who helps others when they are upset, I am going to college to learn about phlebotomy so I can get a great job in what I missed out on, I have made mistakes many many mistakes but I am doing well. I remember the night you were so drunk tht we got into a car accident and I ended up with a scar on my lip and a scar on my stomach, I still have them now and they are visible, but I dont care , you scared me and yet I still love you. I love you for abandoning me and not watching over me.