The daggers of his words killed what his arms missed,

The lockers shot arrows into my body as I slammed against them,

Tears begged for freedom,

To run down my face despite my protests.

 

The daggers left scars in my mind making it impossible to smile,

Letting the tears achieve freedom every night- something I dreamed for,

Freedom from the scars, the ability to escape from the memories.

 

I locked the memories away in a vault and turned my mind off,

Refusing to listen to what the sirens in my mind wanted me to do,

What I feared to do.

The only way to freedom was through war.

 

I built the strongest walls,

The longest walls,

No one came in,

But you could go out.

 

Music and sports gave me freedom,

For a moment I was wanted,

Needed...

 

My walls gave me peace,

The tears a release,

I could get through this with music and sports on my side,

I could erase the scars, couldn't I?

 

When nightfall came,

I welcomed the tears and the burn that came with them,

As they flooded my eyes falling down my face,

Achieving freedom.

 

Sports were mine,

No more living in the shadows of my sisters,

But the warmth of the safety blanket sports gave me was ripped away,

Twins are a blessing and a curse as mine stole my safety,

Making the scars deeper.

Can I do this?

 

Music no one could take, no one but me,

Whether it's playing or listening,

I can always drown my sorrows away,

And drink the high music gave me.

 

I let go as the lyrics of the song drown out the world,

They surround me in warmth and safety,

Like the cocoon of a transforming butterfly,

They kept me safe while I grew,

While I healed.

 

Each day was harder,

The tears flowed as they pleased,

The sirens sung louder,

The need to heal grew stronger,

But I was alone not one person knew,

They can't know,

They shouldn't know because to them I was strong I could hold my own,

But in reality I'm weak, I need help,

More than I ask for.

 

The words echoed in my head all day everyday,

I'm useless,

Worthless,

Living in my sisters shadows,

A mess.

 

The want and need of being back to myself was suffocating,

I can't live like this anymore,

I need to clean the mess that is I.

 

The music swept away some scars,

The lyrics drowned out the words,

The noise swept over me like a guardian angel,

Where is my guardian angel, Why isn't he protecting me?

 

My brother once breathed on Earth,

Then his life was taken, more important in the heavens,

There he could look after us,

Protect us.

A locket I dedicated to him,

The shape of a heart,

The chain so tight,

So it rests above my heart,

For he is all I need to become me.

 

Regression to the mean and fight for life,

The past is an anchor holding us back you must let go to become who you want to be,

Other quotes played on repeat in my mind, taught me to keep going,

To never give up,

To never give in.

 

Your biggest enemy is your mind,

There lies demons,

Fears and sirens,

Battlefields and scars,

Once your mind is yours, you can once again have peace,

Once again be you.

I tried locking away the memories but that made them worse,

I tried accepting them after all they do make me the way I am...

Right?

 

The accepted memories freed me from their prison,

Yet a prisoner I still am,

Some memories should stay locked away,

It's better that way,

Those memories create horrors, the true demons of the world,

No matter who asks, they didn't happen,

Not to me.

 

I can hold my own now,

No need for help,

Sometimes a trip down to hell,

Can bring you to heaven.