To My Family
For the time I scraped my knee
And all you could say was
"Fix yourself, you did it, not me"
When I was just 3
For when I felt alone
And you said "go away"
"Shut up and pray"
"Go to bed"
Or my favorite
"It's all in your head"
For when you saw my scars
And looked at me like I was from Mars
And you said you'd kick my ass
If that phase' would last
For when you told me I wasn't good enough
Or smart enough
Or girly enough
Or tough enough
For when you told me I was fat
So I stopped eating
Wishing I could stop breathing
But then you told me I was too thin
So I stopped trying to win
For when you hated my best friend
The only person with which I didn't have to pretend
For making me feel like I only sometimes had a father
But mostly
I had a monster
Living across the hall from me
Ready to strike when he didn't like the real me
For making me hide the only person that's cared
The one that helped me save me
For making me hide my girlfriend
'Cause I'm only allowed to date men
For telling me to be girly
That my goals are sky high
And outright silly
For telling me that I was only sometimes pretty
But never smart
For hating my guitar
My outlet
My art
For making me feel so damn small
When I just wanted acceptance from you all
For the times my brothers called me a dyke
Not realizing they were half right
For when my brothers excluded me
With the justification that
"It's just a boy thing"
For when you all made me feel like I didn't have a family
For when I wore a fake smile
All the while wanting to die
For when I told myself to fight
Even when I had to lie
To myself
Convincing myself that
"I'll be worth something someday"
Or that the lyrics I used to scream for help could one day dig me out of this depression
For a the times I felt like I only had myself
It's time for me to stand and fight
Instead of crying silent tears at night
Instead of letting you perpetuate my depression
Instead if letting you keep me
From getting help for my anxiety
It's time to make it worth the war
To see a victorious me
And when I get that trophy
For winning the game of life
You won't even be allowed to stand at the sidelines