My Delimma

I question what I'm doing everyday
Because it's more stressful than
satisfying in most ways
Now as far as worth..without a doubt it pays
Well, When you can accept how the game plays.
But where is the value in my days?
I'm just not a convincer, I'm an inspiration
So how do I do this career n man my station
I need to find a system worth my implementation
That allows for more exploration
Yet I acknowledge I need a good combination
But I'm still filled with hesitation
Because I feel like my time is wastin
Doing all this people chasin
N I'm right back in the rat-racin
Civilization!
Ugh! it's causing my mind to be puzzled yet vacant
Not knowing what is my true destination...
And no matter how many times
I tell myself it's about the journey
I overthink everything lining myself up for the gurney.
Now don't get it twisted
This isn't a suicide mission
I'm just speaking my mind
Because these words are easier to find
I'm just walking that thin red line
Thru this confusing time
Where everything is happening at once
And I can't decipher the code
While I'm carrying this heavy load
But one thing is for sure
If I don't figure this shit out
Im gonna be left standing without
All I have worked hard for and earned.
These life lessons I haven't seem to learn
But I feel the pain n conern
Brewing inside my head
Cuz its how my anxiety is fed.
Now you may not believe what I'm about to say
But there once a girl who lived a different way.
Who believed she could change the earth's pattern.
She would shake you to your core
Then make you feel like you were on Saturn.
There was just something about the way she carried herself...
Her smile nursed you back to health
Her eyes reflected your wealth...
and you could see her genuine soul
Radiating like the light at the end of the tunnel.
But one day that light blew out
And she was filled with anger and doubt
Until It consumed Her within and out.
And It took a long time to figure it out
But now that I have, I made major changes.
Accomplished goals from different ranges
Tho Skydiving was by far the strangest.
I even acomplished almost a half a million dollar deal
N that shits for real!
So after everything you would think
Like this I wouldn't feel.
Yet for some reason
My mind is lacking cohesion..
I dont know maybe it's the change of the season
But I need to find some adhesion
Before I create another lesion.
I often contemplate
The clouds weight
N if it's altering my plate..
I mean ...
Could the existence
despite the distance
Cause my resistance
To life's benefits
Knowing its still a witness?
Could it really be the reason for the difference?
Why I lack again my confidence?
Or is it because I forgot why I was doing this?
Maybe not forgot but already accomplished it.
Wow...maybe I just opened the door
To the feeling of no more
Since I landed on the floor...
Truly that was my highest score...
And I did it twice in one day.
So now that I got it out of the way
Did my mind go astray?
Or is it purely because I don't agree
With how the company makes money
Sometimes at the end of the day
It makes my soul feel grimey
Like the IRS kinda slimey
And it's just not ok with me.
Even Tho it does allow for more opportunity
And It's a lucrative way to provide for my family!
So perhaps this decision should be made based on my responsibility
N not my perception of morality.

This poem is about: 
Me
My family

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