Muscles

                                                                   

2 weeks is how long it takes for me to give up on my workout plan

1st, I’d take “before” pictures,

YouTube workout routines,

buy protein bars that taste like crap

convince myself 13th time's the charm

                                                                   

On the first day

I do more reps than recommended

push-ups between each set

chin-ups that go past my neck

I put in an extra ten percent of commitment

then go home and eat my pain away

because they say it takes calories to build muscle

and maybe if I can fill this mirror

I’ll stop looking for my reflection

in the eyes of a girl who’s problems are heavier than I think my mind can lift

                                                                   

my muscles swollen on a facebook post

caption my current weight

sprinkle comments of a goal weight,

goal date                                                                

and post for the world to see

I get no likes

or comments back

so I guess the 15 pounds I’m trying to gain hang from my ankles like cinder blocks in the pool when I’m afraid to show my upper body

 

When I step on the scale

the numbers seem to count backwards

the platform doesn’t creak enough

my presence cant even be felt by this flat, plastic, piece of proof that it takes matter to matter

so I bench press it into every fiber of my being  

trying to feel the burn

because no one can keep me warm

my body is as cold as this metal bar

as empty as the gloves I stopped wearing

 

I’ve been trying to fill the gap between my shirt and my chest because the size of this hurt-

I mean

the size of this shirt is too big for my body

these sleeves, they drown my arms

they drape like window curtains

opened wide enough for the society to see this insecurity

and if no-one can hold me right

I’ll bulk up enough so this white v neck can hold me tight

 

Make my shoulders broad enough to keep my head held high

No one has to have my back, cause I could lift 250 with that

                                                                   

Maybe I’ll walk on this treadmill

feel like it's been waiting for me

has been dying to know the pace it takes to walk with me or run with me

and it’d never be done with me

and up until the last day,

I’d actually believe it

                                                                   

until I realize my body is a walking seizure,

a place where these bulging veins are like bloody ropes ready to hang me

my body is a man who forgot leg day,

to weak to carry himself anywhere

every attempt to find love is like the final rep

I find myself straining and shaking

my heart is a pulled muscle

that I take back to the gym before it ever has a chance to heal

and after all the work

I end up weaker than i was before i ever thought i had to be strong

to be strong

                                                                   

I was always taught to wait but instead I picked up the weights

And now I’m knee deep 2 weeks worth of mistakes

                                                                                                                 

I’ve trained my body to lift any, and everything from the ground

 

but when it comes to pull ups

I still manage to push myself down