Monday. 2:15 am. November 23, 2015.

We were never together and you broke my fucking heart.

Our lips never touched

But I can still feel them hovering near mine.

Our relationship was weird, but nothing we couldn’t handle.

You said we could still be friends.

Isn’t that what we always were?

You said we would still talk.

But here I am having my calls and texts ignored.

You say you want to kiss me

But instead walk away like I’m some kind of toy.


I thought about you today.

Just like I thought about you yesterday

And the day before.

I think about your hands on my hips,

Keeping me happy and warm.


I cried in front of you.

Not only that I cried hard.

But you said you fucking cared

And I dared to believe you.

I dared to let you make me feel okay.

Because I wanted to feel okay.

But now you’re not here anymore.

And that okay feeling is going away.


I don’t want to say I’m dependent on you.

Because I can be good by myself.

But you were the stars in my night sky.

The promise that one day we could actually be together was enough for me.


And here I am.

Drunk as a skunk.

Writing about you.


You may read this, and you may not.

I want to see you.

I know my thoughts seem random

But that’s only because the last time you saw me

I was lying in my kitchen clutching an empty bottle of vodka.

Your last image of me is a vulnerable one

And I don’t like that.


I need you to know I’m strong.



I need you to know I can live without you.

But I also need you to know that I don’t want to.


You tell me you’re scared to be in another

Relationship after what she did to you.

And I understand.

But that doesn’t diminish how greatly I want to rip your clothes off.

We were basically a couple.

Practically living together.

I’d be lying if I said I never thought about doing anything.

And I know you’d be lying too.


You can’t just start calling me “babe” and “baby” and then just leave.

That’s not fair.

We weren’t even in a relationship and you still managed to fuck me up.


I don’t know what to say.

I love you. But that can’t mean anything.

On my first day in one of my classes

My teacher told me that people often fall out of love for the same reason the fall in love.

And I just really hope you didn’t stop liking the way I yell when I drive, or sing in the shower, or how I’m a little over passionate for hockey.

I hope my “adorable laugh” doesn’t make you cringe.

Because if anything, I still want you to think of me as the person you once thought was beautiful.

I could never live with the thought that I now make you sick, when I once put stars in your eyes.


And if that’s the case,

Oh baby if that’s the case,

Then I have no idea what to do.

Because we weren’t even together.

And yet here I am still crying over you.



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