I've recently realized somethings and I'm not sure where to begin.

I got scared. My protection got the best of me again... as it seems to always do that.

my protective side needs to learn that running away from everything,

means I'm really the one hurting myself in the end.

that's a hard pill to swallow.

my analytical side wants to rationalize it all.

yet the excuses it comes up with are the most irrational& condescending.

My emotional side just wants to love everyone& to be loved.

but before I allow the chance for someone to show me what being loved is...

my protective side disliked the uncomfortable& unknown,

so I run. Then I'm fine, I repeat my analytical reasonings.

And just when my emotions come back good enough time to realize what I caused...

it's already too late. Because I'd continue causing damage to put someone through that.

I always find myself realizing& internalizing it all,

As soon as I'm in a stuck position. And then& only then,

Am I ready.

my little just wants to be shown kindness& playfulness.

she wants a free world to roam.

but she's stuck with the adult mentality holding her back from everything.

she felt safe with you.

the night spent locked in the park sleeping in the car.

it caused her worry& I forced her to come out and enjoy it for what it was,

a fun sleepover. After so much adult talk. She deserved it.

and you had no idea about that side. Yet you were ready& acted perfectly.

I go back& forth in my mind of creating you to be this monster,

and then to be the one I'm madly in love with& who I ruined it all with.

maybe you're both, I won't ever know.

i guess it depends which part of me you ask,

my emotional, or my protective side.

I hate that I put it all onto you in the end.

and now I'm left with my thoughts about how I did it to myself.

that I was a deer caught in headlights,

but all it would've taken to stop it, was to stop, wait,& breath.

as simple as it sounds now I know my mind racing at that time would never think like that.

it wouldn't believe that something so tiny wasn't the biggest fucking thing in history.

like it wasn't the end of everything& it was a sure sign the relationship would be unsuccessful.

it's funny, bc it was really unsuccessful, because I decided it to be.

Knowing you think it's all on you again, hurts.

I want to tell you these things.

I want to say hey, I'm really fucking sorry, I did it to myself.

im the one who fucked this up.

I literally broke my own rule that I wrote down in our guidelines...

how fucking stupid is that.

It's like I subconsciously knew how my mind worked,

and tried to warn my future self to reevaluate in a time like that.

I feel like telling you would just cause you to get back into your emotions.

like as if I'm trying to pop up& remind you of hurt.

but I want it to give you ease of the mind.

maybe you have that already idk.

I hate that I'm this way.

I just want to love& be loved.

my mind won't let it be that simple.

I don't show it but I still love you.

I love you so much that I know I can't hurt you by going back.

im going to start therapy. I hope it helps.

maybe eventually I'll be healthy enough.

hopefully one day you'll get the golden egg.

then I guess we wont see until then,

If I'm finally mentally stable enough, to not hurt you.