I’ve been thinking a lot
About the shit in my life
About how I didn’t listen
That one horrible night
How I couldn’t function
The very next day
How I was in confusion
How it still hasn’t gone away
How my parents yelled
How they cried and they feared
How I couldn’t tell them
Anything without tears
How I was invaded
And how I was hurt
How long I’ve spent waiting
For things to go back to how they were
How I had to stay strong
For everybody else
How I was the most damaged
How I needed the most help
How everyone pitied me
How everyone cried
How everyone had sympathy
And I still can’t understand why
How in the morning
When I was awoken
I had no idea where I was
Or how badly I was broken
How when I called my dad
And told him what I did
I cried and felt ashamed
Because I lied and betrayed him
How he was just so hurt
How he was so confused
How he looked at me
How he didn’t know what to do
How we walked into the hospital
How he told them that I was raped
How they sent me to the emergency room
And we were told to wait
How I got examined
How I cried the entire time
How they told me there was tearing
How I couldn’t believe the crime
How I never could remember
Not even little bits
How much it kills me to not know
Or remember any of it
How I haven’t recovered
How I struggle to live
How I can’t do anything
Without being reminded of this
How pathetic I am
For never moving on
For not looking past this
For not being strong
How I can’t fucking deal with this!
THIS IS SO HARD FOR ME!
How the fuck am I supposed to do this?
When will I be free?
How this is all my fault
How I’m the only one to blame
How my best friend didn’t care
How she left me out of shame
How this keeps coming up
How I try to push it away
How I can never cut enough
To deal with all this pain
I’m a fucking mess
Everything is shit
And the best part of this whole entire thing
Is that I am to blame for it.