Memoir: A Beginning In Time


I do not want to watch miracles or happy ending because it is inevitable we all will go
In our lifetime it could happen in a moment or a tormented prolonged death
We do not choose if it hurts or if it is fast
I am a Christian,but lord I am afraid 
Not in the afterlife that awaits, but in leaving my family
I do not want my whole family coming with me
Moreover, when I go I do not want to look at my loved ones in pain
It is now after a tragic nightmare that I have encountered perhaps a cryptic message that death is upon us
I am perplexed to my saddest degree that I am not ready
We are never ready, and I do know this
Therefore, I should feel better knowing I do not  have control, thus, I have the control to deliver it upon myself to go with ease
However, I am not perfect my lord, and I cannot do this
Lately I have been contemplating such a horror; I know death is all around me
So is it not inevitable if not me then someone I know?
In order to create a homeostasis within your world?
Everything is a lesson, yet I know for a fact some lessons I would never pass
I pride myself on perspective matters to differentiate things of importance, and I have not found a matter in which I cannot spin a frown to a smile
But it is inevitable we are gonna die
How may one live so spiritually and physically prosperous when we are burdened with such sorrow? 
I do not want to watch miracles or happy endings
I do not want to be burdened with thinking I will not die when death knocks
I will cling to this earth not for my materials that I do fancy, but I fancy the materials that have been placed in my heart 
I will not want to leave my family oh lord
I feel now if I told them I love them everyday it would make a difference only to my heart, but it would not make a difference to theirs
Their hearts are the ones that need to be confined with my love because one day it will need to suffice for them to carry on in this world
I do not want to watch miracles and happy endings
I do not want to burden myself with the feeling of invincibility because you are my lord
I need my loved ones to understand, but I know they cannot see the same dreadful nightmare  I saw tonight
It gave me truth I know Lord
Therefore, my lord I ask to share this final piece, so my loved ones know my intentions
That even if I knew I was going, I was fine with dying to see you my lord; but I was not fine with leaving them behind
I do not want a miracle or happy ending
They will only make it harder to leave, so I will finish this in the same fashion 
I want my life to just


Guide that inspired this poem: 


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