It seem's sometimes I am a stranger to myself, I often think of the things I want, the life I desire, but choose to walk a different path.
Am I what I want, or am I what I do? how do I shake the addiction to a mischevious life that conqures the joy in the blessing's around me?
How do I show the one's I cherish that I love and honor them when I am in a cage, not seeing them, not pretecting them, not there to live in the moment's that become memories to be shared with others in my old age; but instead watching them from afar as the fade away little by little?
How many years do I have left? How many will I give away? how much of my blood will pass or homie's disappear without me having a chance to say goodbye? how old will my little one's be before I live up to their expectations of me? How long will my love wait for me before finding the comfort she needs in the arm's of another man?
These thought's that go through my mind are sobering, and still it is hard to shake this addiction. I say " This is Me", it's what I am but I cannot say this is what I want. So which one is real, which on am I?
Like shifting waters, there's no end and a flow. Maybe that is the answer. maybe there's no straight and narrow. maybe these trails have a purpose. One day I may understand the "why" of all this, but not today. I can only hope and trust that this "understanding" will come in time for me to tqake advantage of it, and that I will somehow be greatful. For now I must continue to be this stranger and be patient, waiting for my day of clarrity.