Nothing in life is ever completely clear. Everything is hidden within a fog or some sort of mist one cannot peer through. It is clouded and hidden in a way that is inconspicuous, and leaves me to ask questions that lead me into deeper unsolved enigmas that often leave me baffled.
There is never a clear rendezvous point where one can easily see for miles away into the future. The only thing clear to me is what lies in the past. Within that labyrinth that has taken me years to escape only to pull me back in. The twists, turns, and riddles all leave me wondering who could possibly be the one and true enemy.
No matter where I go, I am always where I started. No matter how hard I try to escape. No matter how many times, I find loop-holes in words I use to hurt myself…
I find myself drowning in my own words.
More like waterboarding.
So you see, I find myself lost in history. Past tense squirming into my present language. Events from long ago haunt me to this day in memories almost as livid as the memory from the night before.
Time lapses to the point all seem like the day before. Capturing my inner being and holding it hostage in a timeless zone. No absolute answer to the future in front of me. Nothing but guesses, conclusions, and anticipation from this point on.
They say it is fate or destiny that draws me to move forward against this riptide of a current I face.
Perhaps it is destiny or fate. Maybe even a bigger arrow in shining lights pointing to the glimpse of divinity. I personally say it is what we make of it. Each choice determines a pre-meditated path or trial in front of us.
At times the labyrinth will morph and make itself even more unsolvable.
However, I never did say that nothing good ever comes out of this labyrinth. Although history does tend to repeat itself, it does have its moments where I feel like I am flying or levitating up and away from this maze built by my enemy.
The one who is a master engineer, architect, and strategist in making sure I fall for it all and coming back…
And so you see, I feel as if I am lost in history. Watching my life go backwards in a routine that is almost the same. Almost as if the remote is jammed on the reverse button and I can’t seem to move forward.
Someone once told me that I need to let things go. Forgive, but don’t forget because history repeats itself when a lesson is forgotten.
Perhaps this is why some events replay over and over in my mind on a daily basis? Perhaps it is due to the fact there is a certain lesson I have not learned and am doomed to repeat it for all eternity until I learn that lesson?
That someone told me that I have potential. The power to truly change the world if I wanted to. Hoping that I never become one of those major figures that lose themselves in undertow. One who’s pieces, ideas, philosophies, and outlooks will never be known.
There is a part of me that prefers it to be this way. Like many before me, being hidden and inconspicuous is all I know. I was not the one everyone always picked for sports. Or the kid people jump at the chance to be partnered with on a project. They all dreaded like I do the moment I step on their side to work with them.
Why is it difficult for me to work with myself to swim out of this turbulent tide and reach the shore?
That is, until something new rippled my current and showed me another way.
Now I stare at this history book.
Chapters that are meant to be dusty are nothing more than pages worn out from the constant flipping forward and back. All making me realize how compelled I am to anchor myself at a fixed point in time, rather than moving forward.
After sorting through the major influences and voices in my head pounding against my thick-layered cranium…
I have decided to toss this history book aside and try to create, even write a new volume. One filled with more adventure, anecdotes, and lessons to be learned.
After all, it is our choices that determine where it all takes me.
Where it leads me, what paths I will see, and the crossroads I will find are up to me in a way.
My choices and anything else people try to use and explain the wonders of how such creation could come into existence.
An explanation that still manages to baffle when people find themselves looking into the eyes of someone they treasure most.
Or when they look into the eyes of a child and tell them they love them.
The most amazing things in life that are so worth the twist, turns, and critical plot points.
It is these things we find strength in to weld in our souls to carry on and trudge forward.
Perhaps it is time I step out of history and rather than re-living it…
I can try to make it.
If not in this world.
If not in someone else’s life.
Then it will be in my own.
Because at the end of the day, it is me is who is worst enemy. But I hope to change that and become my own advocate when I see that mirror reflecting what stand in front of it.
What more will I have to say?
What more lessons will I learn?
How will it end for me?
These are questions that will continue to remain unanswered and hidden in that mist.