Log #1
She praises an image, the only beautiful she see's is in her pain. She writes her feeling on the page, giving her anger, her sorrow, her sadness a name and words to speak. She holds her blanket at night and cries thinking no one understands. The way she looks at herself is not the way others look at her. Silent cries and sleepless nights are all she has. She feels comfort in her sadness. The only thing keeping her from going over the edge is fear. The fear of death is keeping her alive. She doesn't want to die but it seems like the people around her want her to. She walks through the halls and here's the endless screams of laughter at her. She keeps her head low and wishes that every day it would be better. She only sees Beauty and her own pain she writes on her bedroom wall songs and stories that she feels mirror her pain. She wants to be beautiful but she never sees that she is truly beautiful hurts cue you not make her anything less they are just a sign that shows what she has been through she Praises an image and her scars don't make her anything but strong.
-Tried to bend your kneecaps and they shattered
tried to move your legs but they bolted your joints together
and the more you tried, the more you knew
this had been the way they'd built you
in the body of a ball jointed doll
you're so fragile you can't move at all
but i just want to touch you
and i promise i won't break you
if you would be my doll just for a day
then i would put you back into your case
pieced your limbs together with chalkware skin
painted the cupid's bow above your lips
you're so beautiful but so delicate
the porcelain cracks up your back and neck
in the body of a ball jointed doll
you're so fragile you can't move at all.
-Repeat to yourself that they're not really gone
time has proven that fooling yourself into believing
a lie is the most effective way to deal with
things you have no control over
keep listening to the mixtapes they made you
overanalyse every single word you hear
"was this a sign that things were going wrong"
no no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them
stay up every single night staring at your phone
either attempting to gather up the courage to
turn these demons, these constant reminders of
your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream
or praying just for one second you could feel
the warmth of equally returned love
go out for coffee four times a week by yourself
always bring your notebook, never stop writing
leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip
watch them smile as you get in your car
always talk down on yourself whenever possible
my life is shit because i deserve it, right?
you must have done something real bad
its nearly impossible for you to cry now
avoid your friends for weeks even though
they're the only sense of consistency you have
left in your life, if they really wanted
to see you they'd come, but they won't (who cares?)
allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love
watch as you begin to take a backseat to the
world around you, don't fight it
become a secondary character in your own motion picture
but most importantly drown every single one of
your feelings in old stolen rum, learn to
love the taste of it dripping down your throat
find comfort in the warmth coming from your
stomach, you're drinking bottled love now
you don't need other people to drive away your loneliness
you just needed to find a way to talk to it.
-The things you say about yourself only reflect all that you've been through
I can't tell you how to run your life and I can't imagine the things you want to do to yourself
Killing is not the answer
stand
rise
don't forget that you are an important person
Forget them
they don't matter
you matter.
-Can't sleep
Pulling at my bed sheets to find some kind of warmth
holding my head in my hands and pulling my hair out
This feeling is a feeling of torment and I don't know why they all want me to feel this way
I hate all of this, death is my only escape.
-My bedroom smells like rotten food
and i guess so do i
it's harder to be good in here
than it is to starve and die
i'd give my body to satan
if i could only keep my soul
but i can't seem to find the split
between them anymore
my hair is falling out again
and i don't really care
i try to stir my conscience
it was never really there
your fingers up inside of me
feel like fingers down my throat
everything is fine in heaven
but i'll never get to know
make sacrifice in bathtubs
and stained bed covers
soak all of my clothes in holy water
and drown them like a crying son
drown them like a crying daughter
praying in the night to the angels of porn
nails in their wrists, knees on the floor
great lakes full of cum extracted from everyone.
-Underneath my bed there's a raincoat
Packed with scarves and books, just go look
But don't let the storm slow you down
No Honey, don't let the storm slow us down
It'll slow us down
And the sound the furnace makes irritates you
I promise by next spring we'll replace it
But don't let the wind run you out
No Honey, don't let the wind run us down
It'll run us down
It'll run us down
It'll run us down
And, Oh I want it to get better
I swear I'll work to make it better
So please don't leave quite yet
So please don't leave quite yet
Oh please don't leave quite yet
Don't leave
Please don't leave quite yet
Don't leave
Don't leave
Please don't leave quite yet
(Songs used: Ball-jointed doll- Nicole Dollanganger
How to never stop being sad- Dandelion hands
Angels of porn- Nicole Dollangenger
Please don't leave quite yet- Adam Agin)