When you left the earth I thought I was fine because you weren't in pain anymore but little did I know, that was the beginning of my year of pain. I convinced myself I was fine with this drastic change by ignoring my emotions and hiding them in every hit I took from a pipe. After breaking my habit of smoking to numb my emotions, I slowly realized I was not fine wihtout you. Your death hit me so hard like a blow to the gut and to my heart. I dread the drive to school because your house is just across the street. I hate the smell of smoke because of all the times spent spraying your room with febreeze to try to make it smell at somewhat like flowers instead. I feel awful when my friends can't seem to understand why I alwyas look so exhausted. Maybe it's because I never get sleep at night because I'm not sleeping next to you. I get anxious going the next town over because that's where our favorite resturant is. I get tears in my eyes when I think back to you telling me "sorry I won't see you graduate" as we ate our last meal there. There seems to be something that reminds me of you in every person I meet and any place I visit. Although I have the memories of you, I don't have you next to me. I keep trying to conivnce myself that this will get easier as time goes on but maybe grief doesn't become easier to understand but easier to ignore.