Living in Fear

Mon, 12/01/2014 - 19:37 -- Leilace



Mommy is lying on the ground. Daddy threw her there; I saw it from behind

The wooden banister which I wrapped my stuffed snake around 

Only three hours before. 

Mommy and Daddy are having another fight. This time is different.

Daddy saw me. He knew I saw. He lifted the whiskey botte.


The brown liquid pooled around my small feet, and I avoided the broken glass

As if it were made of lava. 

Mommy told me to run and hide.

I ran.

I hid.

Seven years had passed; Mommy and Daddy are both married again

But to other people. I'm okay with this,

But I'm not okay with how scared I feel.

The anxiety wraps around my lungs, my body, my mind

Like the stuffed snake around that wooden banister.

Daddy says I'm just as bad as Mommy. 

Daddy says step dads are bad because they molest children.

Daddy says he would have kept me if I were a boy.

I'm not a boy.

Why didn't Daddy want me?

Daddy says I'm fat.

Daddy says I have an ugly face.

Daddy says nobody is going to love me.

Daddy says it's all my fault.

Daddy says he didn't want me anyway.

Daddy slams the door.

Daddy leaves me with Maria again.

I don't like Maria.

I didn't want him to marry her.

They are the reason I have this disease

The panic attacks that come so often;

The fear that literally comes with everything in my life.

I want to jump;

And I would,

If only the fear would let me breathe.

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