once you asked me,
why often you could not quell the urge
to leap, quiver, shake,
crash upon the earth and rise again,
body shaking to the beat
of an unheard, forgotten hymn.
why are loud noises deafening,
why would the other children stare?
(fear of the unknown, darling)
Little brother, you told me,
in stammering 6 year old tongue,
how you were a monopoly jail cell,
the ‘get out of jail free’ cards
were tattered, lost with age.
your mind was stuck
In an endless video game –
no way to win,
impossible to level up.
Little brother, I have looked after you, best I could
to teach you the ways of this world
(look at someone while speaking,
try not to stim outside of home,
no random talk, no topic twisters,
take your pills every morning,
nothing’s wrong with you)
seasons change, your figure grows -
long tan limbs, freckled face,
fathers jaw and mothers eyes.
young warrior, I evermore
see the confusion of a young child.
Little brother, the world is vast
and inexplicably cruel.
don’t let it cut short
the curve of your smile
keen hawk eyes, always judging,
will stalk your every movement –
to mock the twitch in your step,
provoke the hum of your restless mind.
Never stop searching, little brother,
for if anyone can find truth
and stop the prejudice
oozing from societies stony walls,
They won’t let me in, sunshine,
for as you know there is a poignant rage
that clouds my mind, and sometimes
I say barbed words I don’t mean.
I remember every lash,
each blow I have hurled at you,
and I am so sorry for them all.
this is my apology, for the times
you have watched me surrender
to the darkness that filters my vision.
if a dimension exists outside
I will love you
till the end of my days,
sunshine of my existence,
moon of my life,
I will never let you fall.