Letting GO


United States
33° 53' 59.6184" N, 117° 37' 54.2964" W

Maybe there are icicles on your tongue
maybe your tonsils are the poles
maybe you can't help the bitter frostbitten breath you bark at me.

I know that some kids don't get a lot of hugs and affection
and some who do get the burning embrace of wildfire expectations
that can never be met despite all the efforts.
Maybe you think pushing me down will lift you up.

But guess what?
You absolutely missed when you told everyone
that I look like an elephant- trunk and fat and all.
'cause it is a fact that elephants remember every stick and stone that has hit them
just like I still hold on to every insult that shaped me into who I am.
A shape that resembles none of your "jokes".

My mother says that you're not worth my time
and I don't know the conversion between time and money yet
but I imagine you must be broke off all the time you spent
breaking me down.

I know that my time is better saved for rainy days because
the clouds are never in a rush to finish crying, and even after,
their tears don't go to waste in my flower garden.

So guess what
If I ever got handed the chance to get you back
I wouldn't take it.

Even after all the hurt.
And the rejection and the loss.
'cause I know that I wasn't the broken one.
Even I know that the words you say can ricochet and
shatter your conscience with the debris.
If I'm a casualty then you're the culprit and the victim-

My mother said I should never sweat the small stuff
but being called a whale during PE freshman year while running the mile
seemed large enough to perspire.
and it is a fact that one breath of a blue whale could inflate 2000 balloons
which would definitely put a dent in the decorations for my pity party.

I would send every body an invite.
even my ex best friend
and her new boyfriend
and the kid who pushed me in the halls
and the guy who called me a prude
and even his jealous girlfriend.

Because I want you to tell me the truth
and if you pick dare I triple double dog dare you
to honestly admit that
calling me fat
or a slut
or poor
or stupid
or ugly
or white trash
made you feel better about yourself.
made your life so much brighter.
I want you to tell me it was worth it.

Some people's fathers cling like static
I heard static can sometimes shock you
and make your hair stand tall like stilts.
If I had a daddy who clung like static
I think I would throw myself into the dryer
and set it to wrinkle release
and hope that creases of my childhood
might flatten out.

On those sad lonely days
why can't you just say that
it's a not-okay day?
Instead of calling me a bitch.
or a whore.
or a tease.
or a pig.
'cause maybe I am a "pig"
maybe I'll never be enough for you
it is a fact that pigs were used in wars
to sniff out mines
just like I can sense that
this will one day blow up in your face.

I want to be a cup of warm tea.
or a dusty worn book.
or a guitar case that
holds the spare change of
the passerbys on second street,
owned by the musician who
sings his heartbreak about
the girl he loved who never loved herself.

I want you to love yourself.
I want you to love yourself enough to let it go.
let it go
let me go.


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