A Letter To My Father

Drip

Drop

Drip

Drop

Drip

Drop

Daddy’s nose is bleeding again

I wonder why he always has so many nosebleeds?

I get nosebleeds when I pick my nose too much

Or when I trip and fall and hurt my face

I wonder if Daddy gets hurted a lot?

But that’s silly! Because daddy

Is big

And strong

And soooooo cool!
Daddy can’t be hurt!

And he would never, ever hurt us! Because daddy super duper loves me!

Why do you ask?

 

Sometimes you forget what it felt like to lose something

To have someone torn away from you 

I don’t remember crying so hard in my life, not once

Than the day I found out that you were lying

Cheating

Doing all the bad things you told me not to do

And I didn’t even understand what or why for

Now I know

And it hurts like shit but every time you ask me about it I say

“I’m fine”

Because what else are you supposed to say?

“Daddy I’m mad at you,

But in a way where I’m horrified of losing you

So I’ve made you my favorite parent

So that we never ever fight and I can take it all out on mom

Just to make sure you never leave me again?”

“Daddy I’m scared for you

Your lungs and your brain cells and your body are dying but

You can’t stop because you hurt so bad?”
 

You took everything away from me

Had you not left would everything that happened to me have happened

I mean

By god if you hadn’t left she wouldn’t have been with the man that did the things he did to me

If you hadn’t done the things you did

Maybe you could still fly in airplanes

You always wanted to be a pilot but 

Your sickness

All because of what you did when you were away

Makes it so that now, you aren’t allowed in the clouds

And you’re so sad because of it

If you hadn’t have done what you did you could be rich

Or at least not poor

You could have a good life

 

But I don’t blame you

Not even a little

For all the crimes you comitted

I can’t 

Because I’ve seen this story again and again

The boy falls in love with the drug

He meets her once and then he’s hooked

Talks to her in class

Goes out late at night

Or early in the morning to see her

She makes him forget everything

She shows him fun, excitement, hunger

She’s a cold glass of water, condensation  dripping for the thirsting youth

She comes in such easy supply for anyone who needs her

And truly- who doesn’t need her?

I know you did

I watched childhood friends and enemies

Neighbors

People everywhere becoming hooked on her

My childhood town so filled with druggies 

Daddy was a druggie

Some might even argue he still is

 

But I still love you daddy

Even though everything is your fault

I love you like I did when I was five

I love you like I loved you to the moon and back

I love you like I loved my teddy

Or frozen yogurt

Or watching old-timey TV in great grandma’s living room 

I love you even though you did bad things because the truth is

I probably would have done the same bad things if i were you

After all, who’s to say I don’t need her too?

 

This poem is about: 
My family

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