Dear Ana Rexia,

Hello, it's me, Maddie; your long time friend or, more accurately, long time slave. 

I'm writing this letter to say I think it's time we ended our relationship.

You see, I've been thinking logically lately; I know you hate that and now I know why.

Logic

Unpredictability

Food.

All of these are necessary for life and all of these are things that you hate.

More and more I have been challenging your ideas and distortions 

and 

it seems you have added another hatred to your list.

Me.

You hate it when I think for myself because I can

finally

see through your fascades and distortions.

Well, for once, I like seeing the world as it is.

No longer needing to shrink myself to fit inside your shell of

so-called

"protection."

Because soon, your shell manifests itself into an even smaller size,

and you tell me if I want to prtect myself from all of the pain

and anger

and war

and heartache

then I have to shrink my body into smaller jeans.

Well, I'm tired of shrinking/

I want to grow and blossum into the woman I was meant to be.

I no longer wish to hide myself from the problems of the world,

I want to be the woman who stops them!

And,

despite what you tell me,

I know I cannot save the planet if I am too dizzy to stand.

 

Don't get me wrong, we have had some wonderful times together;

The first time I saw the scale at double digits instead of triple.

The day I went to the mall and bought a belt because my size zero jeans

no longer fit around my hips.

The countless hours spent running at the gym.

Running to burn calories.

Running away from my problems.

Running to feel the burn in my legs,

because maybe when my musicles were wasting I wouldn't take up

so

much

space.

But those days are over.

I'm tired of running away from my problems.

I'm tired of being too drained to laugh.

I'm tired of purging my food,

with the feeling I am purging all of the qualities that I hate about myself.

I am tired of starving my body 

when I should be starving my self-hatred.

 

Lately,

I have been reminded of what it is like to be alive.

To be free.

It is laughing with a friend 

and not feeling like I have to pretend.

It's looking in the mirror and seeing how bright my eyes are

now that I am eating again.

It's feeling free enough to have a banana

or two

in a smoothie.

It's reading my favorite novel 

instead of the nutrition label on my yogurt.

 

So,

Ana Rexia,

it's time we part ways 

and I say goodbye to all of the 

"gifts"

you have given me over the past couple of years.

And, yes, I know this won't be easy.

There will be many times I will want to let you into my life

again

But,

it is up to me to never answer the door

whenever you knock.

Goodbye to the screaming matches with my parents

as they try to convince me to eat.

Goodbye to the pain in my knees 

as my muscles waste away.

Goodbye to feeling cold in the middle of summer.

Goodbye to self hatred.

Goodbye to deprevation of life.

Goodbye Ana Rexia.

 

No longer yours,

Madelyne Moore