Letter to my Addict Father

I hear the hinges creak, glazed red eyes 

The smell of whiskey when he speaks 
Drunk again huh, Chuck?
Mom pleas for an end to this but no such luck
Because her open mouth triggers his guns and his guns are his hands 
How can he call himself a man when he can barely stand 
Boom. One. She's down on the floor
Unable to move her face is swollen and red
I was a young child so I checked her breath I almost thought she was dead
He screams and yells she shouldn't have said what she said 
All she wanted was a sober husband to come to bed
She didn't wanna lie to my grandma about the bruises on her face
Moving three kids all over the place 
She tried to hide the monster that he was but I saw it and I knew it and eventually he blew it
Mother fucker got cancer and didn't hear a word from me
His own fuckin daughter couldn't stand the sight of him
 last time he hit my mom I stood up to his addict ass and told him to save his hands for me
He chased me down and threw me to the floor told me they were my last words and to say no more
My uncle grabbed him, chuck it's your daughter!
He pulled back, threatened to grab the baseball bat 
Moms in the other room cryin don't hurt my kids but it's too late she didn't see what he did
That's what happens when a man is sick drinking and getting high 
Can't deal with his life so does coke to pass it by 
When I was 17 he finally sobered up told me on New Years it was his last cup
He already knew the damage was done he fucked up
I told him I forgive em but I'll never forget
All the bruises and beatens and all the times he would leave us 
All the drinks and the drugs, never any kisses or hugs 
Stealing our birthday money for your gambling problems
Your kids are so bright but they can't fucking afford college
Your $150 a week never fucking helped
Shit your daughter got knocked up at 18 and can't even help herself
And your first grandson is a beautiful blessing 
Too bad you left the hospital on selfish terms when he was being born it was a beautiful day 
Turned my life around now I spend my days playing and loving and hugging
Sometimes I yell and I feel sorry cause I know how it felt 
Sometimes you come out my mouth and I hate myself 
But I thought the abuse was normal and I'm tryna break the cycle 
Tryna break out of my depression and my self loathing
Can't even love myself cause nobody ever taught me 
But my son will be better I will raise him correctly 
You can't even see him now because you put down my family
We're trying to work with what we got and it isn't much
You didn't give much example of what to do 
But I'm doin one better than you 
Because I'm not high 
I don't drown my fucking pain 
I eat that shit for breakfast and get on with my day
I fucking smile like there ain't a million things wrong with me
This is my letter to my fucked up past 
Cause if I keep living in it I won't go anywhere fast 
I'm gonna graduate from school and be the best young mom I can be
I'll be better than you and my son will be better than me 


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