let’s look at this year.

let’s stare into the darkness,

festering in the beginning

where hope ought to lay.

let’s search for a reason

in the reflections of tears

that slid across my cheeks,

silently.

frozen.

icy in the cold winds,

spelling despair’s close cousin,

January.

 

let’s be blind to love,

refusing passion that spills

from heart to heart,

refusing to unlock our own.

would you throw away the key for me?

would you box up your feelings

not in your chest but in another forced into the attic?

so i won’t be

alone.

afraid.

crying with the snowflakes.

as they scream out,

February?

 

let’s say luck isn’t real,

that all is bad,

that pain comes with reason,

let’s give ourselves

to others only,

ignore the missing sliver,

the part of the mind labeled

self love.

motives.

replaced with whispers of depression,

now I’m screaming, not loud, in

March.

 

let’s reflect the showers

on our very cheeks

only these aren’t blocked by windows,

touching skin as they burn.

let’s find comfort in darkness,

where the slicing visions are

gone.

hidden,

swallowed in a lack of light

dispersed by the clouded skies of

April.

 

let’s rejoice in the season of flowers,

only to see them drop in a sea,

a land of wilted petals,

the daisies must have blown away

in the wind you brought when you walked from me,

gone with the feeling of

being, not

living.

i thought i needed you to survive.

but you killed me to steal the flowers of

May.

 

let me whisper to you,

don’t fear my murder-

my death was a hoax when

you left me to rise in a beam of light,

fearing you’d return with summer storms,

but the thunder of the night was a

warning.

a sign.

a call to join my own mind again,

in not merely surviving, but loving who i was in

June.

 

let me thrive independently,

apart from your parasitic ways of

blocking summer rays for your own,

claiming symbiosis.

i’ll laugh when they burn your skin,

(as it has only seen darkness)

and i’ll bath happily in

gold.

light.

leaving you a scorched, empty shell,

clawing to steal my health in

July.

 

let me take a summer’s nap

without locking the door for your entry

into my dreams- no, nightmares-

but those don’t come anymore.

as the warmth of air flows through my mind

a free pass on a golden road,

a path that can’t fit

hatred, only

love.

love for my own self amongst others

and a want to feel the world’s care in

August.

 

let me watch you crumble

like a leaf on a tree, falling,

grabbing for my hand but wait!

I’ve risen far above you,

you can’t reach!

you feel fear that you once instilled

in my own mind and it

hurts. no, it

cuts.

deep into you like the cold breeze

that you can’t escape, and you suffocate in

September.

 

oh, it’s a beautiful life,

for me.

no pleading for permission,

asking for a break of the rules screaming,

you can’t love yourself!

i know hubris well, and vanity,

i’ve been taught to avoid,

but if realizing humanity

is a synonym for narcissism,

then call me.

i’ll tell you where i’ve been in

October.

 

oh, isn’t it pretty?

months ago i would’ve thought

“the trees are dying”

the cold comfort to match myself,

but i now seek warmth by the fireplace,

nurturing a kindred spirit,

anew with this reborn mind

that only sees the sparkle of snow,

not what is buried underneath in

November.

 

oh, I’ve reached the end,

or maybe nothing is ending.

let me stare into the darkness,

resting peaceful in the beginning,

bringing hope with the sunrise,

let me search for a reason not to live,

-is there a reason not to live?-

it seems muffled by the snowflakes,

i can’t seem to find it,

instead, found icy in the cold winds,

is a word, love’s close cousin,

December.