Without the filter, the make up
Without the lights and the masks?
Nothing?
Who am I?
What am I?
Really.
Broken.
Without the makeup, the filter, the lights and the masks,
I am the real me.
The me without the glue to hold up the pieces;
the me without the walls to cover up the cracks.
I try to remove these to reveal it all,
and I feel naked, seen.
I can’t do it.
I can’t let my friend see
how the embarrassment of the secret kills me.
I can’t let my ex-boyfriend see
the pain and hole he left with me,
the pain that relives itself every time I see
Him.
I can’t do it.
I can’t let everyone see
How the anxiety of college applications
tears me apart until I am shreds.
I can’t let my family see
how the fights leave me with a wet pillow each night;
how it scares me to think how we are falling apart;
how every laugh and smile shared brings a crack into my well-crafted mask
that I took forever to carefully put up.
I can’t do it.
I can’t let them see
the real me.
But I want them to.
I want them to see
that their smile brightens my day
and lights up my world.
I want them to see
that when they laugh
I feel like I should be too.
I want them to see
That their love and acceptance
makes my heart warm
and a smile takes over my face for days.
I want them to see all of that
and more.
I want them to see
My adoration for writing
My undying love for poetry
My addiction to music
Both listening and playing
My need for serving and helping and caring
and just being nice in general
Because then the happiness can be shared.
And that is the thing I want most:
to be happy and make others happy.
I want them to see all of this and so much more,
but can I really do it?
Without the filter, the make up
Without the lights and the masks?
Nothing?
I think I can.
I think I’ll be brave.
Just maybe I’ll try.
I think I will,
and they’ll finally see
the completely, entirely,
truly me.