People keep saying that I could just leave
They say, it is as simple as walking away
(How could they know?)
They say, I’m strong, and that I can preserver: (How can I?)
They say, they say, they say
I cannot do it:
Cannot have strength
I am a prisoner in my own mind
I am lost in a world that is all my own
I speak in a tongue that I don’t comprehend
I am a stranger to myself
I do not have life flowing through me
I do not excite into frenzy
I do not have real interactions
I do not sleep in a sound mind
I am restless
I am lost
I am wondering
I am questioning
Nothing is real
My friends don’t. . .
My family doesn’t . . .
My piers don’t. . .
My church doesn’t . . .
The frustration I feel
The pressure of the ceiling falling
I feel these things
Things I cannot understand
Things I do not want
Things my body rejects
My body aches, it congeals, it squirms, it’s restless.
I am a prisoner to my self- leaving is no option
I’m too involved with community
I’m too lonely
I want to fly
I want to soar
I want to swim
I want to dive into a Great Perhaps
I want to be freed
I want to feel the grass
Smell the roses
Pick the Daisy’s
If I could bear myself to those who say they care, what could I say to make them understand?
Understand that I cannot connect with them
I cannot feel their emotions
I cannot love them the same way
I cannot live without them
I pretend so well, they do not see, or maybe they do not want to see.
I’m too damaged for them to see it
They can’t believe someone could be so hurt
That I could put on such a good front
That I can play anything down
I’m lost in my own mind
I’m my own prisoner
I’m lost in my own thoughts
I’m my own worst enemy
I cannot allow myself to breath
I cannot feel my arm
I cannot feel my heart
I cannot hear a beat.