Life has kinda been a jungle to me kinda like living in one or something
Wondering why my father, never came back after his hunt
Always haunted me
Would sneak up on me
While my back was turned
Observe my oblivion
Then sink it's claws
and fang like teeth into my flesh
All the while devouring every positive Image I’ve painted of him
My daddy, mon père, my guardian would never abandon me.
After I realized that I could never see him again
Or see him the same again
I taught myself to hunt as well
For a man that would never disappear in the night, and not come back at dawn.
I taught myself to hunt
for a man that would shows his love and always shows up
I taught myself to hunt
for the women inside me, to never let herself fall for a man like her father.
I remember telling my mother
"I think when I have kids, I wanna be a single mom"
She cried and apologized
But I couldn't understand
Like you the one that taught me that I don't need a man
And like from where I stand
It's almost as if the women always has the upper hand
Like you get the kids and child support?
We set right?
But it never occurred to me that this life wasn't an option for most
It was the best decision to make for the pride as a whole...
I thought that being a single mother was just how it goes
Like that's how things always were
All my friends also had only their mother...
Dans ma fantaisie
Aujourd'hui mon pere retourneé
Life would become a forest
With the occasional wild fire
I'd be confused
Love or hate
To let him stay?
But the wilder beast inside him seemed contained
I mean the wilderness remained
The jungle we'd all stay
Or just call it the projects
It's something we had in common
To stay with our moms like a pack or pride
Our bonds created a taboo culture
Something none of us wanted to speak on but we all know existed
Like how else would we be in this situation
We were fully aware that
I would never see your biological father around here
And vice versa
Just step dads and false hope that couldn't break free or break bread
While we'd wait for the "real men" to return
The reason my pen flow
Motivation be to show ma mere
I was right all those years ago
Because she did a damn good job
And she's a damn good mom
Even when she did it on her own.
I am now allowed to mate
I discern the fact that my dad didn't leave without a fight
But it was never a mistake
My mother still wounded
Like me she taught herself to...
Hunt a little too well
She started to hunt herself
She engraved a cage around her emotions toward any man
She filled the ditches with sayings like "I love my kids" or "I'll always put my kids first"
She says to me
"This cage builds strength & protects you my cub"
All I hear is
"Im too afraid to be loved and to give love"
"It's okay to aspire to be like me now daughter, I am an strong independent black women... you see these markings..
Only this time I am afraid
I epitomize her weakness from before
I want to be dumb
What if Its too late
or what if I find my father and and his new family
And I can't forgive him
I do forgive him ,
let him stay
Roughhouse a bit
To make up for lost time
His mouth opens
I thought to smile
Still like knives
and he is still the empty bellied beast I taught myself to stay away from.. to be afraid of.