It's All About Control

The constant thoughts in my head won't go away.

From when I go to sleep

To when I wake up,

If I even get any sleep at all.

I look at things differently now since the change happened.

It's not that my old self disappeared.

It just diminished.

It's still there, only it's overpowered

By two other mindsets.

These constant thoughts are always clashing.

Two seemingly different ideals

With one major thing in common.

My self-destruction.

The goal isn't harm, its perfection.

If only I felt that way.

I'm tired and I'm not myself.

It needs to stop.

I can see the top of this huge hole in the ground.

If only I could reach it.

It's going to take some time.

Things as complex as this can't be rushed.

If only everyone else could understand that.

Yelling and calling me pathetic won't work.

It probably wouldn't have gotten this bad if they hadn't had reacted to harshly.

So what if I look different?

It's not like I noticed.

Trust me, if I had noticed I wouldn't be freaking out so much.

And even if I did notice it wouldn't be good enough.

And no, the media didn't cause me to feel this way.

I don't know what did.

It just happened.

I've had these thoughts long before I paid attention to those things.

They've just intensified as the years go by.

It's called stress and peers and a bunch of other things that are overlooked.

Not just one cause.

Although blaming the media is a good excuse and idea.

This is my battle. 

It's my mind.

I appreciate the concerns

Sometimes.

It's nothing personal.

I wish it never happened so please stop acting like I don't.

Regardless I have to keep trying or else I'll never achieve true happiness.

I wish it was more apparent.

Save me the trouble of their anger.

I just want to be my old self.

That's something I never thought I would say.

My old self wasn't good enough apparently.

I guess you really don't know what you have until it's gone.

But she's not gone.

She's still there, still trying.

That's all that matters.

 

 

Comments

Additional Resources

Get AI Feedback on your poem

Interested in feedback on your poem? Try our AI Feedback tool.
 

 

If You Need Support

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741