It Was Never A Thing

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It started with an invitation
When you asked me if I knew how to slow dance
I mistook it as a way to make fun of me
The insecurities from the back of my mind ended up answering "Y-y-yes" like you offered a straight edge kid drugs
But honey, you were clean
You just wanted someone to teach you where to place your palms and lead your steps slowly
So you wouldn't trip up on the homecoming dance floor
It started with conversation, making fun of each other
How you couldn't spell to save your life and I was a Grammar Nazi to the death, SON
It started like that, and the occasional late night phone calls I was too tired to stay up for
It started, with the simple jerk of your head beckoning me to sit by you on the bleachers and
My breath made swirls against the blackening blue sky,
While you tried to explain to me the mechanics of football, we shared a throw rug with another person
And your hand found mine
But before the heat of your fingers could even dare to think about equilibrium, we had to let go.
Still, it continued in the hallways
With a tap on the shoulder and a poke for your dimple
the harmless dent on your face that was enough to make my stomach forget about somersaults and butterflies but just distengrates in to a ball of unintelligible mush
It continued with me taking your jacket wherever you left it lying around and with me asking for hugs you don't usually give out
It continued with you visiting math after school 
and I couldn't stop myself from smiling then;
not because I was particularly happy about finding the derivative of f(x) = 2x^2 + 3 but because you were there
To see me.
And then you were gone,
Swift as the soft sun who slipped beyond the horizon
It ended with conversation fading away
With one word text messages that I hate
It ended with having really nothing left to say
it ended with some other girl
And I get it
Because she’s beautiful and I am rendered irrelevant.
So we’re stuck with blank stares in the hallway
And sometimes you flinch, and sometimes we don’t even look at each other
You remind me that my feelings will always be
the one mismatched sock that falls out of the laundry
Like, where did this even come from? And Where’s the other one?
But nobody knows
and eventually they’ll come to believe that the sock was just alone from the start.
So I close my eyes but my mind wanders, It keeps writing stories
Rewording, Rewriting, and recycling every moment I treasured
And you make cameos in my dreams
The frequent visitor
Who takes his muddy shoes and walks all over my clean carpet
But I don’t even mind anymore
Because you
Were my quick glimpses of sunshine at the end of the day and the beginnings of each morning
The one cavity I didn’t mind having
The one song I keep on my ipod, whose lyrics never go away
And it wasn’t your fault you left my heart in a wintery state smack dab in the middle of May
But tell me
Why do people get left behind?
I know life’s unfair but damn it, can I please just heal faster?
Bandage up this cliché teenager’s love story disaster
Please.
Please, let it end for me because even now my heart throws tantrums every time I hear your name
And my eyes still search for you in the hallways
But I’m too afraid
To even start up a conversation
Maybe it was all in my head
Maybe all of those sweet gestures meant nothing
And that to you, we, us,
Maybe
It was never really a thing.

Comments

Imani Sophia

Awww! My feels! I felt everything, every emotion from the smiles of joy to the heartbreak. Your preformance and your words were great.

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