you wake up some days and wonder 

what should I do today

the toilets need cleaning

the groceries need buying

the laundry needs to be kept away

job searching day in and out

not sure if you're good at anything

coffee tastes watered down and weak

food tastes like cardboard

outside seems blurry

inside my mind, is a symphony of noise, colour, vibration

it traps me further 

I try to force myself to remember that my imagination is not my friend

but an illusion

but it traps me day in and out

looking for a way out

I wonder, are the failures of my past and present the reason why I live in my mind 

and my reality feels like a holographic image, I am the hologram

sometimes I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing

but autopilot has kept me dragging my feet

mother pulling my hair to get me to keep fighting.

I whimper.

She pushes harder

I sleep to escape everything

She pushes harder

When will the motivation sleeping inside me wake up and fuel me?

I've waited so long for someone to love me

to hold me

to save me

no one comes

no one hears me

there is always work to do

thats what we live for

we work to live to die to sleep in blissful peace.

yet my heart and mind keep searching for more than that doldrum 

doldrum: a state or period of inactivity, stagnation, or depression

is  that the best way to describe it?

can't wait to shut of these repetitive thoughts in my mind and drift off to sleep

that bliss that releases me from the trappings of my mind and the negative thoughts

that choke me and my spirit