I want to take you deeper into the inner dialogue of myself.
The mind of someone like me is not a beautiful place to inhabit. Many find it difficult to express these feelings but for me, it's so easy.
I see my mind as a vast field, scattered with elegant, dainty flowers and as I watch these beautiful things grow I appear saddened. The others look at me with confusion. I, however, never explain my expression because I don't want to kill the amazement and joy in their minds.
Shouldn't this extraordinary field bring a twinkle to my eye? I truly wish it could, but I know what the rest do not. This field, it kills those flowers right before they fully grow. It will never let them live out the innocence they have inside, and as I gaze among all the debris that tumbles to my feet I see the others leave. Either out of sadness or boredom. And no matter how I try, cannot leave. I am trapped in a spirit only to relive this over and over and watch one after another leave. I find it difficult to keep someone close enough to stay but even more difficult to watch them go.
People can become numb if they choose, not to this. This anguish can never be subsided. That's why people find me so strange. I understand, but I'm not broken. I'm honestly just a child searching for adventure and freedom. One day I know, deep inside, I'll find that magical place of being. I know one day this field will flourish and I will be at peace but until then I will be working. Not only on the outside where the world can see but in my mind.
With words racing around and around my head it's hard to concentrate. "What have you done?" "You cant fix this." 'Why do you even try?" "This is a waste of everyone's time." "Just go to sleep." "Just." "Go."
Its a never-ending battle with my own being, fighting everything. I will find a way to win because I have everything to lose
There are so many who own this field but cannot speak because they cant place words with the feelings, but I hope they know they are never alone.
To my current lover and those after, please know that I am not broken, I am working and I only need the support of those around. Even if it seems that I don't, when I push you away, I need you the most. I will get better.