(Im)Perfection

Location

PBMHS
United States

A lot of activities
To feel Important
To have a place in Society
To counteract My depression
My lack of Self-worth

Perfection versus Self-doubt:
Being Organized
Running My clubs
Leading My organizations
Self-hatred
Self-mutilation
Fake smile
Pretending to be Okay
Sadness Inside
Failing at Life
Weeping internally
Laughing Externally

Straight A's
Sports, clubs, and afterschool activities
Keeping it All Together
While falling all apart

Parents yelling and hitting
Bashing My head against the ground
Verbally and physically
Screams and shouts
Palm, back of the hand
No longer Good Enough
Abusive creativity
Found not in a belt
But with a phone

Not believed
No bruises to show
Not hurt easily
At least not physically

Running away
Seeking Freedom
But got stopped
By all these cops

They don't Appreciate
My corrections
Because they don't want to face
Their own imperfections
Grammar is all I know
So, I tell them how to speak...
My fake Superiority
To hide My insecurity

Thats all they choose to hear
Not My impassioned pleas
Which they choose to meet
With great disbelief
(Or with a lack of care
Which few are aware)

Only so incredulous
Because they don't know
(Or they don't want to know)
The Truth
Of the pain
Of the unseen
Only held within my Psyche...

I go back to School
Pretending it never happened
Yet remembering
The cops who said
I couldn't Succeed
Because of my Attitude

With Fake Optimism
I've got plenty to Prove
Not to them
(As I much as I may think)
But to Myself

No Hope
Hopeless desperation
Doing Everything
Yet doing nothing

What is Accomplishment?
If your torn apart?
Broken down?

But...
Yes, 4.5 GPA
But with each Grade
One more disappointment
A "99" instead of a "100"
A "101" instead of a "105"
Pleasing Society
But never Good Enough
For Me

Yes, AP
But only 1
Guidance counselor says, "You're only in grade nine!"
I say, "So much to be done,
And Not Enough time..."
To beat Brittany!
To finally reap Victory
To graduate
With not a 4.8
But 5.0
Only way I know
How to be more than great
To be The One
To be Valedictorian

My masquerade
Of Confidence
Of Perfection
My facade
Of Happiness

My Self-esteem
Based on a number
A weighted scale
Balancing My Happiness
And balancing My misery

To the point where I'd rather skip school than take a test
I might not earn an hundred on
I'd rather study all day at home...
I'll endure the berating
'Cuz my Morale
Is nothing without that Grading

I say I like being Busy and serving my Community
But really
I don't wanna go home
'Cuz School
Is My Asylum

One or two clubs each day to avoid that snake pit
Stay at School as late as possible
For all these afterSchool activities:
FPS, Broken Chainz, Teen Court, SGA, TSA, library TAG meeting, FCA, and ROV.
But, don't forget JV Soccer everyday...

School is Life
'Cuz home is too hard
At home,
Ready to die
To be killed or to kill
Self, not Others...

Domestic abuse
Family violence
Internal conflict
In the suburbs
Where the abundance
Of physical possessions
Hides the emotional emptiness
Of the broken
Battered
Barren

Anxiety
Not enough to do
Only seven clubs to handle
What do I do if one gets canceled?..
At home
Laying on my bed
Pulling out a strand for each text not answered by a friend

I ask Myself,
"What is Life if not for that Number?"
No answer...

Being Preppy
Lifting others Up
As I fall down

Always Encouraging you
But forgetting Me
Trying to be a Leader
As I search for what to follow...

Running around 24/7
Doing things for Others
But not Myself
Planning meetings
And not sleeping
Until I sleep without waking

Sleep, sleep
Can't get up
Getting no homework done
Garnering zeroes
Turning in work late
Is it from a soccer concussion?
Or my sleep deprivation

Self-blame
Self-punishment
For My Self-failure

Please, pay no attention
To My Imperfection

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