Heart pounding; stomach churning; homework I’ve had a week to do open in another tab

I text my friends and watch YouTube videos and listen to myself

Tell myself I’ll do what has to get done soon

I mean—

I’ve worked on this for weeks like the good student

They tell me that I am

Sometimes I stay up late and write bad poetry,

Or bad short stories

And long to be outside in a time when “Will you be my best friend?” was all it took

I mean—

I go to bed by 10 after all my necessary assignments have been completed

Like I’ve done for my entire life

When I grow up I want to be a vagabond,

Seamlessly drifting with the day; living for life’s sake

Reaching cacophonous enlightenment without religion but with confidence in chance

I mean—

I hope to be an engineer, 8-6, 6 times a week

Because 9-5 can no longer cut it

When I was younger I didn’t agree with “Do as I say; not as I do”

Because I thought you should lead by example, and

I prided myself on the clarity of language

I mean—

With all due respect, if you wouldn’t mind

Explaining yourself. No, you won’t? Well, I suppose that’s fine too.

I look at snow and laugh because

I see my childhood immortalized in its crystallized drifts

They reflect the me I’ve always thought was worth reflecting

I mean—

I hope school is not cancelled,

And that the new tires will hold safely
                                                          

At school, I hear them talk with non-confidence, non-certainty

And I want to scream at them to mean it, mean something; just mean

But my words fall on ears that are not sure if they should listen

I mean—

The most important thing is that we give everyone a chance

And make no assertions whatever

I want to tell people I love them violently, to the point of a fault:

“You make my life worth living, please—oh please, don’t ever change.”

And scream until they understand how I mean, never mind the what

I mean—

I’m much too young to fall in love, and

Your friendship matters greatly

I’ve never thought of the future as a fact, but more

Of a potential and I’ve chosen to live fast and wildly because

I can make the most of time if I stop counting it

I mean—

After college, I will _____, but not before

I pretend my life is not what it is.