"I'm not special."

(Based on a dream I once had)

Darkness, sustained darkness. Silence at first as well, but that doesn't last as long.

I'm floating, not sure where I am, and then suddenly I'm who I wish I was...or rather what I wish I was; a dog,  a Doberman specifically.

A pedestal rises as lights click on, the surrounding void is marked by a 0, I'm scared, I'm not sure why.

Suddenly the pedestal lowers, memories of everything I've done wrong, all the wrongs I've done. The pedestal then raises up and I'm filled with the good to accompany and block out the bad.

I'm proud, I'm then reminded that this victory it shouldn't be too hard to achieve, and yet it was, I'm reminded how wrong it should be to revel in this victory, to take it for granted. I attempt to remain humble, and it works..too well.

Suddenly my victories aren't that great, the things I've done made to seem small in comparison to the larger pictures, held up against those who've done allot better than me. The worst is that I'm not forced to do this by anyone else, I'm doing it to myself.

The worst wounds are self-inflicted.

Slowly the pedestal spins, words are engraved upon it. "Not that special", "Nobody too important." "Could be better." Realization strikes me, These are words I've used to describe me.

Slowly I begin to glow form within and slowly outwards more, as though I'm greater than I say but on instinct I curl up, trying to hide it. If i revel in my victory, it sours it..right? If i boast about my accomplishments that might make me arrogant. I've seen arrogance, I don't want to be like that.

I attempt to hide and smother it. Words fill my mouth and ears "I'm not that great. I'm nothing special. Others have done better." I don't want to downplay the accomplishments of others, so I downplay my own. 

I wake up in the same curled up position.



Looking at this now this is less of a poem and more of a short piece but..it felt good to write it regardless.

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741