I'm my own prison

Thu, 07/31/2014 - 14:39 -- Bl1xvan

“Hey look!” they shout with glee,

“Our most dearly beloved goddess approaches!”

The citizens look in awe at the great goddess Chizuru

Who provides her formerly starving “children” with sustenance with a blink of an eye

Where years before, surviving in their town required that they resorted to drastic, even violent, means

Whose words of wisdom can settle quarrels of even the greatest severity

And bring the citizens of the once hostile town together as if they were family;

Whose beauty can catch and keep the attention of any bystander, no matter what their interest,

Despite the oddity that lies in her red eyes, ghostly white skin, and her pitch black lips

That is not me

But it would be great if it was!

That’s why we were given our imaginations isn’t it?

It’s the one place where we are the gods!

Where life moves according to our will!

The one place where we never have to know boredom. Disappointment. Helplessness.

A nice break from the helplessness of real life.

That’s the case for me at least

I have a part time job that provides just enough for my family and I to scrape by, and no more

With coworkers I can almost never hold a conversation with

And a family who is at constant odds with one another

Though thankfully no blows are exchanged.

And if I do say so myself, as many others have, I am quite beautiful

Although at times I wonder if that is my only appealing quality.

I am not her.

But I can be when I want to be

I can go to my laptop at the end of the day

Become a god. Make my own little world, with background music from Youtube to match.

Converse with other gods and perhaps bend reality together.

Yes at any time, I can become the great and powerful goddess Chizuru.

Sometimes, I even turn without trying.

Like when my mind suddenly crosses over,

to escape from a dreadfully boring lecture from my Health teacher;

Or when I heal myself through Chizuru,

Once the stress from that 7 page paper finally overwhelms me;

Or when I change to go play with my citizens,

At the time I promised myself I’d fill out that job application;

It’s no big deal. I know I can go back to those things later.

It’s important to de-stress. Let your mind wander off for a moment.

We can play the goddess Chizuru and face our stressors later.

Much later…

Like when it’s too late.

And it… usually is, I admit….

I admit I’m too dependent on her. It’s sad but true.

I know I need to become strong myself.

The Great Goddess Chizuru won’t do that for me

I’m not one of her “children”. I’m her goddess!

Her powers won’t provide for me!

They make my problems more bearable, but they won’t erase them!

But she won’t understand that. Won’t let me leave.

Maybe she won’t accept she doesn’t have that power, being a goddess and all?

Or am I just still too scared to leave her?

It doesn’t matter; I’m my own prison.

And I need to get out.

Earn my own powers. Change my own reality for the better…

The journey’s probably going to be rough.

Scary even. I’m afraid to start…

I’d really rather just skip to being powerful..

Like I am as Chizuru.

But then again, obviously the hardships that come with becoming strong,

And learning to bend real life to our will

Scares her too.

So how powerful is she really..?

Comments

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741