I'm Done

My lungs are burning

And it's not because they can't get air

It's because they don't want to anyomre

They're tired of my intercostal muscles expanding and contracting

My dyaphram working without my consent

Forcing my lungs to take in the oxygen required to keep me alive

Make the heart pump the blood to my brain 

That releases the series of chemicals, the only thing giving me a sense of consciousness

That starts wondering about all the things in the world

Starts asking the BIG questions and the small ones

Drawing no answers

Suddenly my thoughts go a mile a minute

Swirling around me like a tornado that I'm trying to make sense of

I start thinking about what I have to do tomorrow

Mimic the relationships with friends and family

Pretend to care about their petty problems

Even though there are children dying of starvation while we make small talk over lunch

PAUSE 

I think about how my sucker tastes in my mouth when I burp it back up

And was that ladylike?

Why am am I expected to act ladylike anyway? Is it really just because I was born with a vagina?

So being porn with a penis excuses you from polite behavior?

I think about what I'm excused from

How being born with a vagina excuses you from the knowledge of an internal combustion engine

Now I start thinking about society and how, even in the twenty first century,

We still do crazy things, like link behavior and engines, to genitalia

Suddenly I fall on religion

I guess it was an easy jump from sexism 

I think about how society considers religion such a good thing

I suppose we know it's all really bullshit but people need something to believe

The sheep need, no WANT, to be herded by somebody who knows everything

The sheep herder must really like to kill children 

Otherwise, why is the leading cause of death in children under five preventable disease?

Or am I just not ready to admit to myself that my own race allows that to happen? 

I think of the big things and the small things

My toenail polish is chipping 

Did I do my homework? No

How could I be so stupid? 

I'm asking all the questions in the world and they lead to no answers 

PAUSE

I force myself stop and stare at the bucket of water poised in front of me

Prepared for the ritual that I partake in every night

That I can never tell anyone about because they'll think I'm suicidal

Which I'm not

I just want the thoughts to stop and be able to rest 

For my lungs to stop burning because they just don't want to breathe anymore

I want to stop faking the relationships with my family, my friends, and my boyfriend

To whom I hollowly say "I love you" every day

My lungs are burning

And It's not because they can't get air

It's because they don't want it anymore

I let my head sink under the water

And my lungs stop burning

I'm done

Comments

elephanttttt

I am sorry you feel that way, but this is truly beautiful.

Need to talk?

If you ever need help or support, we trust CrisisTextline.org for people dealing with depression. Text HOME to 741741