If you had asked me what I wanted to do with my life a year ago, I would have given you an answer. A detailed presentation of a plan; something that I knew for sure. I would have told you the dreams that I knew would one day come true and how hard I worked to see it through. I busted my butt to get where I was but things are different now, I’m still a hard worker, but things just keep getting harder and harder. I know what you’ll say…..”that’s life. Welcome to being an adult” And you’re right. But it also isn’t my fault.

I grew up as the “golden child”. I was never one to go wild. I had raised the bar so high for myself that I became part of a trophy shelf. I became the child that my parents flaunted, and one that other parents wanted. I’m not saying this to fill my head with hot gas; it’s simply what I’ve been told in the past. My parents always expected so much from me because they’ve never had the opportunity to succeed academically. Sometimes it just seems that they push me to excel simply so they can go tell the rest of society.

But everyday my parents would tell me it’s okay to be average. That I didn’t have to push myself to the limit. I guess they didn’t realize that I couldn’t deal with the disappointment. So I kept pushing through, even if it wasn’t something I wanted to do. But eventually it became a routine. A habit that I couldn’t break. I became so obsessed with getting good grades like it was my addiction. Simply because I couldn’t face the conviction of doing anything less. So, hello. My name is Gena. And I am addicted to success.

I needed to succeed in everything. And anything less wasn’t of importance. That was my mindset. And it was horrible. More of my time was spent at school and doing homework than I was at my own house. And while my friends were out partying, I was at home still studying. It was maddening.

I couldn’t do it anymore. My mind was constantly sore from being up until three in the morning. My senior year, I gave up. I had wasted my energy to keep up. But that isn’t the way to go either. That sometimes you have to make like McGuyver and find a solution to whatever problem you’re facing. I’ve realized lately that it’s okay to rest. That I don’t have to go full speed ahead. That I can float and have the current take me instead. That I don’t have to have everything planned ahead.

If you asked me what I wanted to do with my life today, I’ll give you an answer. A confident proclamation of “I don’t know”.