I Will Not Disappear

It’s fine.

It’s okay.

I’ll forgive from now until forever,

Until I waste away.

I have no problem with you,

Or whatever it is you feel at this time...

... Even if it is pure hate,

Because I have learned on my own

That some pain is okay

And that forgiveness is great.

Even the sinner,

With a heart bathed in black

Wishes for a light

To extinguish the darkness

That threatens to consume him.

And even I know what pain is

I know -

Because I can feel.

I know what you’ve been through,

And I,

I won’t judge

Because I have no right to.

I have never walked in your shoes,

Nor do I want to.

Because I don’t want to cry for you

Any more than I already have.

I have my sins,

As plentiful as the sea.

 And yet I still believe that there is some good in me.

I believe in myself,

That I have choices to make

And that no one else can make them for me.

So I will continue to believe,

Even if she hates me,

Even if he makes me leave,

Even when this little boy no longer needs me,

 I will never walk away from them.

I will stand by their side

Until they no longer need me

Until they can walk on their own

Until they can find their own light at the end of the tunnel.

I will stay by their side,

Because I know all they have is me.

They depend on me.

And so,

I will be their brick wall to lean on,

Their fifty inches of steel,

I’ll be their rubber toy to squeeze on,

Inflating with the pressure,

But never breaking.

I will be what they need.

All this because they can’t see where they’re going.

I will be their compass that guides them,

So they can carry on,

Passing through the landscape,

Covered in dirt, rain, debris and snow.

I’ll be the pillow they lay their heads on,

The jacket that protects them from the cold.

I’ll be their everything,

Even if they never know.

I will be their everything,

Because in truth, they all think they are alone.

I don’t want that,

For that loneliness to seep in their bones.

Because I know what loneliness is,

I feel it in my heart when it’s cold outside,

It’s a below freezing kind of chill.

It’s that fear in your waking hours,

That headache that never lets you sleep,

That demon lurking in your nightmares,

The shadows that will never give you peace.

I know loneliness,

I understand it so well,

Loneliness was my best friend.

I almost disappeared because of this evil,

This thing that makes us feel like grains of sand,

Insignificant,

Just piling up in a glass vial,

Forever growing,

Shifting,

But never spilling out,

Just drowning.

But I won’t let it overcome them,

Because right now,

They are all I have.

They are everything I have.

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