I used the r- word

You lay on your floor



waiting for your phone to charge

It's dark

she's asleep at the foot of the bed

be quiet

I hang my hands over the edge of the bed

our fingers graze

as I apologise

as I vent about my trauma

you squeeze

hold on tight as I tell you

I apologise again

You climb into bed with me

I can see your lashes hang heavy over your eyes in the dark

I continue to vent

Somehow we end up laying side by side

Face to face

and my thumb is stoking your cheek as my other hand is under your face

You tell me I'm beautiful, amazing

I thank you

I tell you to never cry for me

I didn't feel your tears on my hand until later

But you say that you have to cry

because it's so sad

what happened to me

You say that you're amazed I'm here

I begin to tell you that you are perfect



I tell you that you don't have to be smart

you don't have to be happy

you don't have to care

and you start to sob

face pressed into the crook of my neck I hold you

as your tears and snot dribble onto me

I shush you

coo to you

tell you to take deep breaths

to not wake her up

you calm down

go get tissues

you come back and we lay together again

I cry

about my mental illness

about my trauma

I talk about what she did to me

I use the word

You were the first person I ever used the word with

the disgusting word

that starts with R

and ends with a mammal closely related to our species

I called myself tainted



useless and used


and you held me

squeezed my hand

soothed me

loved me

I forgot what that was like


(the next morning I found out at one point we woke her up. I don't know

how much she heard but I hope she doesn't tell anyone)


This poem is about: 


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