I swear I'm alright

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"Pay me no mind,
please walk on past
don't see the lies behind this smile.
Pay me no mind,
please move on with your life
I swear I'm alright."
 
Over and over I've repeated this
to my best friend, my JROTC instructors
to my brother, even my fiancé...
I am fine, I am alive
my smile is genuine.
 
"Pay me no mind, please walk on past
I swear I'm alright."
 
But as I sit alone in my room,
I break down once more, and cry myself to sleep
coming face-to-face with the real me.
 
She's trembling and crying
begging for the man above her to stop
she's 5 or 6, knows the man has been drinking
knows his actions are wrong even
yet she goes to school the next day,
claims her new bruises are from falling.
 
And the dream flash forwards to just months ago
back to May when the girl is confronted
by someone not much older than herself
and he's pinned the girl down to the track
and the actions done to her, she forces herself to forget
but in the back of her mind it replays constantly.
 
And as I sleep, my body trembles as it stands
and moves toward the bathroom 
digging the cold metal into my flesh
as it tries to force me to wake, though to no avail
once again adding new cuts to my pale skin.
 
And every time I wake, I remember the dream
remember the meaning behind it's not-so-imaginative creation...
I was that girl.
and I wonder why I am still breathing...
 
Subconscious depression, I am said to have it
but I continue to fake smiles
hoping those closest to me will believe I am well
for they are all that matter
and they are my world, not the events of the past.
 
So I'll slide back on this mask,
and continue to repeat to the strangers
who ask of my well-being
""Pay me no mind, please walk on past
I swear I'm alright."
as I move on with my life,
letting the demons of the past haunt me only at night
to escape from them even if only during the day.

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