I still remember

The last time you called me.

It was hard to understand you

You were sobbing so hard.

"I can't do it."

"It's so hard

To keep living."

"I have no purpose."

"They won't shut up!"

Of course I tried to calm you

As I scrambled for my keys

And ran to my car,

Forgetting my shoes and jacket,

Even with the snow falling.

I let you sob

And scream your pain out

As I struggled

To hold my own tears back.

I still remember my exact words.

“C’mon, it’ll be okay.”

“We’re going to get you some help.”

“You have people

Who love you.”

(Even if I did lie

And that “people”

Was actually a

Single person,

And that person

Turned out

To be me,

The love I have for you

Outmatches all the hatred

Anyone else

May have held toward

You.)

“I’m almost there,

Just please hold on.”

…You went quiet

Once I said that.

I still remember

The last words you said to me.

“I love you…Goodbye.”

You hung up…

I don’t remember

The rest of the drive.

It was just a blur

Of tears,

Curses,

Prayers

And going 95

In a 40.

I don’t even remember

If I turned the car off.

I do still remember

Breaking down your door

And finding you.

God, your porcelain skin

Was streaked crimson.

And your beautiful eyes

Were rolled back in your head.

I still remember

Seeing you in your casket.

Your mom…

She couldn’t believe

You were gone.

Even though

She was the greatest cause of it.

I was still civil to her,

Let her cry on me,

Told her to come to me

For anything she needed.

I still remember

Smashing my copy

Of GTA.

Because I couldn’t stand

The thought of never playing with you

Again.

I still remember

How you felt in my arms.

The sleepy voice you had

When you told me

Not to go to work.

You will never know

How much I wanted,

No,

How much I NEEDED

To stay with you.

As much as I try

To only remember

Holding you,

The first time we kissed

The all-night talks we shared…

I still remember

Begging you to wake up

And your blood on my clothes…

I still remember

The night you left me.