I Still Remember
I still remember
The last time you called me.
It was hard to understand you
You were sobbing so hard.
"I can't do it."
"It's so hard
To keep living."
"I have no purpose."
"They won't shut up!"
Of course I tried to calm you
As I scrambled for my keys
And ran to my car,
Forgetting my shoes and jacket,
Even with the snow falling.
I let you sob
And scream your pain out
As I struggled
To hold my own tears back.
I still remember my exact words.
“C’mon, it’ll be okay.”
“We’re going to get you some help.”
“You have people
Who love you.”
(Even if I did lie
And that “people”
Was actually a
Single person,
And that person
Turned out
To be me,
The love I have for you
Outmatches all the hatred
Anyone else
May have held toward
You.)
“I’m almost there,
Just please hold on.”
…You went quiet
Once I said that.
I still remember
The last words you said to me.
“I love you…Goodbye.”
You hung up…
I don’t remember
The rest of the drive.
It was just a blur
Of tears,
Curses,
Prayers
And going 95
In a 40.
I don’t even remember
If I turned the car off.
I do still remember
Breaking down your door
And finding you.
God, your porcelain skin
Was streaked crimson.
And your beautiful eyes
Were rolled back in your head.
I still remember
Seeing you in your casket.
Your mom…
She couldn’t believe
You were gone.
Even though
She was the greatest cause of it.
I was still civil to her,
Let her cry on me,
Told her to come to me
For anything she needed.
I still remember
Smashing my copy
Of GTA.
Because I couldn’t stand
The thought of never playing with you
Again.
I still remember
How you felt in my arms.
The sleepy voice you had
When you told me
Not to go to work.
You will never know
How much I wanted,
No,
How much I NEEDED
To stay with you.
As much as I try
To only remember
Holding you,
The first time we kissed
The all-night talks we shared…
I still remember
Begging you to wake up
And your blood on my clothes…
I still remember
The night you left me.