I Shouldn't, But I Am

I don't want to think about you

I shouldn't be thinking about you

But I'm still holding on to the memory

Of being held, feeling wanted,

Lingering for moments on how your arms tightened around me

As soon as I made a movement

Like I was about to leave

 

I shouldn't think about that

 

I shouldn't smile when I think of how you slyly found a way

To get me closer to you

Saying "I don't know how this happened"

When I know

That you know

That we both knew

You knew exactly what you were doing

 

I shouldn't like that

 

I shouldn't look back with fondness

On how you'd nuzzle my cheek

As if in comfort

When I was self-deprecating

Or how even though you were quiet as you could be

I could still hear your intake of air

With your face buried in my hair

 

I shouldn't think about it

 

We spoke twice after that day

And then I heard absolutely nothing from you

For nearly two weeks after

And then out of the blue you say "Hey"

And I can't help wonder what made you pick up your phone

When you could have possibly done it days before

 

I shouldn't have wanted you to talk to me sooner

 

You're the first name that comes to mind

When I have nothing else to do

And you're the one I thought of first

When I was sick my first day back at school

And I'm angry because I let you be the first person

I wanted to hear from

I'm angry because my brain says

"Don't want this, it's for your good,"

But then it draws your name to the forefront of

What I thought was my logical organ

 

I'm so confused

 

We both said to each other's faces that

"Long distance wouldn't work for me"

Because of problems we'd seen with people we mutually knew

In those relationships

And as far as I know, you're still planning on leaving

You'll be out of state by the time Autumn comes again

You're leaving in the summer

Or that's what I'm remembering

 

So what's the point?

 

So what's the point in lingering on a thought

And trying to find a hidden motive

When I know full well that whatever I think there is

Or, terribly, kind of wish there was,

Is impossible, illogical,

Pointless,

And will only cause trouble and heartache

 

So I shouldn't think about you

 

I shouldn't like the feeling of being held

Of being pulled back for just a minute longer

And I really shouldn't linger on what a possible reason could be

For all of this

But I am

And I don't like it

 

But I'm still thinking about you.

 

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