you shouldnt have this power over me

like a broken record player, i, keep on playing these memories i once treasured, now turned to trash, i, thought pick up day was yesterday but of course i was putting out for the wrong one,

it blows my mind that you were once here but its been so long since we’ve spoken that it feels like you no longer exist

but these feelings, not the ones i had for you, god forbid those ever return, but the feelings you made me feel

like, not feeling good enough for you, not being pretty enough for you, not recognizing my worth as an African princess over you, so i should’ve had this power over you

so it was so much better late than never to leave when i did.

months after my friends telling me “he’s just a kid”

in everyone elses eyes i prove the stereotype that blonde girls are stupid

i, constantly stripped my clothes & hair color, hoping you would notice a change in the way i looked

i, skipped out on school just to get caught up and told to put my brown nose back in those books

i, gave up my last dollar, lied to my last friend, put the last drop of gas in my car just to see you text other girls and not look at me

you, never really went anywhere but to the job you couldnt hold and ya mommas couch, but somehow i was attracted to this lifestyle of yours like an unhealthy magnet, my positive potential and your negative energy did nothing but bring me closer to death,

i know you remember when you held that gun to my face in your mommas kitchen

tell me, do you do that to all the girls you bring home?

like the time you told my drunken self you’d take care of me

2 am, i was in your bestfriends truck

3 am, we were on your mommas couch doing things i couldnt say no to

4 am, you took me back to my friends who couldnt stand up straight instead of keeping me safe with you like a “best friend should”

i had become so dependent on you that i had no idea what it was like to take care of myself

and somehow your lack of interest in everything else but sex with me mistranslated into love on the brain

but today i realize that you never needed me

yeah i said it, i wanted you to stay but today im miles away from where we last met

im glowing, im growing, im truly at my best

you did nothing but made me realize my true powers over you

so while you’re still going nowhere but the jobs you cant hold and to ya mommas couch

ill be here getting these 3 degrees ive been talking bout, not like you ever listened, or even noticed i left

but this is an eviction notice, of my memories, i gave you a year to pay your dues and all you gave me was promises you never intended to keep

but the new tenant, i promise he’ll take care of me

so please, pack your shit and go with your trash ass memories back to your mommas couch

where you can think about what you’ve done to me

and maybe one day you’ll realize how wrong you were to me

 

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10/12/17