I just want to be pretty. I don’t want to be bangable, hot, sexy. No. I just want to be pretty. I want to be that girl that people can fall in love with at first sight. I want to be that girl that people get lost in when looking into my eyes. I want to be that girl that can find someone to love instead of someone who wants to get inside her. Because the one ‘real’ boyfriend that I did have only used me to get under my shirt for the entire year that we dated. I never got taken on a date.

I feel dirty. Used.

I just want to be pretty. I don’t want to be that girl with the big boobs, the big ass that looks easy to get with. I don’t want to be easy because of my assets. I don’t want to be the way I am. I don’t want to look like I do. I hate everything about me. This wasn’t supposed to be like this.

I just wanted to be the girl who’s eyes were easy to get lost in. I wanted to be the girl who’s smile gave people butterflies. I wanted to be the girl who’s laugh made people want to be happy. I wanted to be the girl that could fall in love with someone for who she is and not for how big her cup size is.

I wish I was that girl that made people believe in love. I wish I was that girl that could put on sweatpants and not look homeless. I wish I was that girl that didn’t need makeup to look pretty, even though I don’t wear any anyway. I just wish I was that girl that people didn’t pity.

I feel used. Dirty.

I just wish I was pretty. I’m tired of being ugly. I’m tired of wondering if I’ll ever be as pretty as my sisters. Because my little sister doesn’t understand that the only reason I’m mean to her is because I envy how beautiful and amazing she is. I’m tired of wondering when someone is going to fall in love with me. I’m tired of wondering when I’ll be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. I’m tired of wondering when I won’t have to be lied to. I’m tired of crying myself to sleep every time I think about myself.

I don’t ask people if I look good or if I’m pretty because I know that I’m not. I don’t fish for compliments because I know it’s all fake. I don’t ask people to go shopping with me because I’m ashamed of my body. I don’t put on makeup because I don’t want to draw anymore attention to my hideous face. I don’t doll myself up because I’m self conscious when people look at me. I don’t look in the mirror because I hate everything about me.

I’m just tired of being ugly. I just wish I was pretty.