I Am Not These Things

The first time I was bullied I was in elementary school

"freak,"

"weirdo,"

"loser,"

they would call me

So I ran to the teacher, tears burning my eyes

She told me to get over it

I never told my parents what happened

 

Then came middle school, it was like a small town

Full of pre pubescent vicious parasites

"bitch,"

"slut,"

"whore,"

Without  understanding

They would call me

So I ran in my room, tears burning my eyes

And tried to swing from my ceiling fan

I never told my parents what happened

 

By the time  middle school was coming to an end

The hallway walls were breathing,

And my inside walls were screaming

I wanted to rip myself apart from this Axe Body Spray hell

“omg tbh fml”

 

High school was different, an entire new world

I tried to keep my nose up, keep them out

But I was just smelling for smoke

So I can follow the trail back to the burning house and save the boy who lost everything

But I was really finding the boy who lit the fire

and tried changing him

 

But nothing changed except my weight

To be “suitable” for “classmates”

And slide my fingers down my throat

I blamed it on an

“itch”

 

But when this arsonist called me “babe” and told me i was “perfect”

I didn’t know that he had another walk in “closet” to put his “unmentionables” in

I was just another spare room in his cheap flammable motel

So I built my walls high and locked my door

Kept everything in and nothing explored

But fireproofing myself was the hardest part

“How to rip you out of my veins” wasn’t on WikiHow

 

But the bathroom walls were not silent

My name smeared with lipstick calling me a

“senior banger,”

“12th grade fucker,”

“slut,”

 

It felt like I was kicked in the stomach and had the wind knocked out of me

But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air.

And once I realized that band-aids and poetry can’t fix this type of hurt,

And wonder woman wasn’t coming

I had to wear the cape all by myself

And no matter how far I stretched my fingers I could not catch all the pain I wanted to heal

 

All the while he was gaining high fives

All we did was kiss

All I felt was worthless

All he did was kiss

 

So I gained a new alias

Put all that in the past

Started caring more about books than smoke

The only person that could love me truly was me

And I stopped living along the code of accusations of “not good enough” “never good enough”

 

I was finally happy

 

High school is full of big boys and girls just being mean

“teachers pet,”

“queer,”

“lesbian,”

They would call me

So I walked home, tears nowhere to be found

and told myself to get over it

I never told my parents what happened

This poem is about: 
Me
My community
My country
Our world

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