The most beautiful girl in the mental institution. Her eyes shined when she smiled, almost as much as they did when she cried. which was quite often I might add. Her name was as perfect as she was …. with all her sorrow and anger, she gave my existence meaning. with her cries, and my cuts, we were the perfect storm of mentally unstable, simultaneous romance that extended over a 1-week time period. and just as fast as I was discharged, she was gone. I had literally walked right out of her life. I’m here, and she’s there, yet I feel her… miles away… waiting to reunite with me.
I can’t tell you that it’s okay, I’m here. My anxiety is usually something I can stutter, and scratch my way around, but this time? This time I know exactly what I need. But you’re stuck in that hell hole… maybe that’s what you need. Maybe I’m just motivation for you to get back on your feet. Maybe I’m one reason for your life. Maybe I love you. Maybe you don’t love me back…
Are you thinking of me? Alone in your room? Alone in your head? Are you suicidal? Yeah. That’s an easy one. But is there any chance your less suicidal because of me? Or more suicidal because I’m gone? I’m not gone. I swear I’m not. I’ll never leave you. I swear I’ll never leave you.
My first full day without you. I wonder how your holding up…stuck between those four walls. what have you cried about today? has your depression overwhelmed you to the point of complete and udder fatigue? how are you feeling? have you achieved your goal? have to talked to J or Oloju about me? told them of how your body aches for my touch? what you’d do to hear your name slowly escape from my lips? no? maybe that’s just me.
it feels like a dream…or something from a story. living there, eating there, leaving there. it happened so fast, it seems like it never happened at all. like you never happened at all. me texting your unresponsive phone, only seems to confirm the thought. maybe you aren’t real. maybe my paranoid mind made you up. maybe i made up the entire thing. what if I’m crazy? what if i’m waiting for something that will never arrive?
I haven’t gone anywhere. maybe you think that I have, I’m not sure. but you eventually reading our one-way text messages gives me hope that you’ll remember. maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but I know you’ll remember. but.. what if you don’t? what if it’s all in my head? i guess that’s a risk i’ll have to take.
what if i never talk to you again ? what if i never get to hear your beautiful voice say my name again ? maybe that’s for the best. maybe i don’t deserve you. i left. you became vulnerable , and i left. you needed me , but i left. i needed you , but i left. you wanted to kill yourself , but i left. i wanted to kill myself , but i left. i loved you , but i left. i love you , but i left. i love you …. but i’m still here.
How could i possibly describe my love for you ? Maybe i could say that i fantasize about the way you bounce your right leg up and down when your anxious. Maybe that i dream about your eyelashes and how they caress each tear that’s lucky enough to fall upon them. Maybe that your skin is as perfect as silk , or that when you speak i hear only angels. Maybe i could tell you about that night i was angry because i should have “just held your hand a little longer”… or tell u that i cried. Rape, abandonment, and wanting to die, through these things i refuse to shed a tear … but i can not help the stream of joy that pours down my cheeks when your smile, laugh , or say my name. for i’ve never witnessed anything as beautiful.
The first time I saw you, It was the beginning of the end of my life. Like a firework, your face exploded into my brain. In the midst of my suicidal thoughts… there was you. Looking as if you could jump off a bridge at any moment, I thought, damn.. now that looks like a girl I could connect with. With skin as smooth as the finest chocolate, and hair that waves like the ocean at dawn. And your voice.. a voice that could make you believe in God. Every sound, syllable, and word that you spoke, had the power to bring me to my knees. When you spoke, it made me want to call my mom and tell her “I love you.” It made me want to hug the homeless man outside m apartment building. The sound of your voice made me want to forgive everyone whose ever done me wrong. It’s okay if you hated me yesterday, you hate me today and you’ll still ate me tomorrow, because the beauty in this world is so irreplaceable. Just the sound of your voice makes me want to love life
You’re still everything to me.