What is the one thing I can't live without

it is that smile

his pale cheek stubbled with innocence and change

what can't I live without

is it an idea

The Idea

of me

a person

my own being, my own human

the idea that I can truly be inside myself while being of myself all at once

what is this idea

what is this feeling that I cannot, will not live without

what is it

what am I, I tirelessly wonder in my exhaustion

of being this alive and yet

falling short ever consistently

falling short of myself

what is the one thing I can't live without

it is streamlined stream of consciousness letters typed in a fevered haze 

in a fevered hope

in a desperate plea that perhaps words can provide 

for me

by me

the one thing I feel I absolutely need

and why

I think

I wonder

I stumble

trip and fall over these words

hurdles

until I reach the end, my point

my train of thought may yet reach it’s station

my mind strays and wanters through the path once laid out for me

now grown over, now tended to by a sporadically absent gardener

in need of money for school

so what is it

you haven't answered the question, child

stop avoiding the subject, your ramblings wont get you far now

but they've brought you here

they've glided through the hurdles

they’ve brought you to a stop

they’ve ever propelled you forward

when all your flowers were to rot

how do you write a poem

you sit down and bleed

said my instructor that grey day 

where is she now

as my thoughts further stray

I need to finish this

I need to finish today

is it all a metaphor

is the garbage out on purpose

or am I an accident

I've been in three accidents this year, the irony amuses me

as I muse on and on 

what is my muse

where does this passion lie

do I even have one

I often cry

literally, not in the figurative sense

I wonder, will my haste make amends

oh child, why can’t you stay on track

you were given a question

now it’s time to give it back

tell them your answer

what do you need to say

the one thing I can't live without

is miles and miles away

the one thing I need

is absent inside of me

can't you see?

I thought I’d find it by the end

I thought I’d tumble and crash, line by line 

before running face to face into my desire

but all I've discovered, is that I've been a liar

I don't want anything

I don't need anything at all

al there is, is abandon

and hope for this fall.